Pantsless at Shaw’s

It happened in Lewiston because Lewiston is like the half-naked capital of the state, am I right? A shopper was reported to be inside the store wearing a shirt but no pants, which to me doesn’t violate any laws whatsoever. I mean, the sign on the door does say “shoes and shirt required,” right? It doesn’t say a dang thing about pants. Anyway, upon beholding the sans-pants shopper for himself, one wit commented, “It looks like he might have been standing in the frozen foods aisle for a bit.” It’s just sad how long it took me to understand that observation.

Banned from Hannaford

Over the police scanner on Wednesday, we heard a report of a fellow who was not allowed inside this supermarket because he was banned from shopping there for life. Exactly what atrocity does one have to commit to be banned from Hannaford forever? Even the guy with no pants will presumably be allowed back in Shaw’s once he warms up and gets himself some drawers.

Living right at Walmart

One recent night, I witnessed some happy shopper rolling up to Walmart in a by-God limousine. It was one of the really long ones, too. An in-your-face-sized limo parked right there in front of the super store. That’s living, man. Unfortunately, it appears that the limo battery died, leaving its highfalutin passenger to wallow in a weird kind of shame.

You got nothing on me, copper

A message from a colleague last weekend: “Times are tough in Lewiston when a guy pushing a baby stroller is seen cutting down the copper grounding wires on utility poles along Lisbon Street.” Now, since copper theft is a crime, does that make the tot in the stroller an accessory?

Party like it’s 1996

An old friend is coming back to the Sun Journal after a two-year walkabout. I don’t want to ruin any plans for a welcome-back party, so I’ll just give you a hint. He’s both hulking and surly, he’s a sportswriter and it’s Randy Whitehouse. This is awesome for me, because having hulking and surly sportswriter Randy Whitehouse back will make it feel like 1996 again all up in here. It’s weird how much I miss 1996 lately.

I want to believe

OK, which one of you wags left a green plastic cone-looking thing on my desk and signed it “The Alien?” It WAS one of you people, right? Oh, please tell me it was one of you. I can’t be dealing with bona fide extraterrestrial tomfoolery again. I’ve probably said too much already, but I can tell you that it’s all fun and games until someone gets a probe they didn’t ask for.

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