Black Friday

I’ll bet you that if the dollar store announced Black Friday savings, people would line up outside just like they do at the high-falutin’ stores such as Kmart. I think they should do it just so that the rest of us can witness the marvel of people throwing hands and sweeping legs over 95-cent loofahs, 1-ply toilet paper and Vienna sausage two-packs.

Buy the Pound

Imagine if they offered Black Friday deals at this place? (The Goodwill Outlet in Westbrook, if you must know.) There’s no question that murder would be the result. I mean, on your average Wednesday in June, I hear there are people in there fighting “Slapshot” style over wheel-less cribs, hairless dolls, a Mr. Microphone with frayed cord, a Stretch Armstrong doll with a duct-taped leg, a Mork & Mindy lunch box, a VCR with a copy of “Ice Castles” stuck in it, an incomplete set of “Hardy Boys Mysteries” and a cribbage board shaped like Dolly Parton’s tatas, which is totally mine so just back off or I’ll throw this busted tambourine straight at your head. The sound it makes will please me.

Thanksgiving grind

And speaking of the holidays, is there anything as delicious as a nice hot cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee following a big Thanksgiving meal? I don’t know and neither do you because those Dunkin’ turkeys don’t open at all on Thanksgiving. America runs on Dunkin’, my buttermilk biscuits! I’ll bet the pilgrims wouldn’t have put up with this. (And yes, only because you asked, my cup of Dunkin’s was pretty good with leftovers.)

Gloomiest. November. Ever.

It rains every day. But it’s also cold. Yes, yes. It could be worse, it could be snow. I get that. But it’s gloomy. So gloomy that I can’t even muster the energy to write full sentences. And whatnot. It’s dark at 3:30 p.m. The sound of cars splashing across wet roads in the gloom. I may never write a full sentence again. Weirdly, however, I feel like I could pull off a decent haiku. Which sounds like the noise you make when you sneeze. But I digress. Gloomiest. November. Ever. Bruh.

Glorious news!

So, I’m watching the HBO Series “John Adams” and quite liking it. There’s one scene where a man on horseback gallops past the home of Abigail Adams with a news bulletin in hand announcing the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. “Glorious news!” the horseman declares, tossing the bulletin over a fence to the tense Adams family. It’s historically significant, but more importantly, I’ve decided that this is how I will announce news to you people in the future whenever events warrant it. It would be real helpful if you could spend more time near your fence in case I should ride by with an important dispatch. Also, if you have a horse I could borrow, that would be awesome. I’m going to name him Pockets.

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