Lewburn

Wait, what? Lewiston is sincerely considering hooking up with Auburn for reals? I’ve been hearing about this potential coupling since I first set foot in Lewiston back in whatever-year-that-was. I’ve always thought of it as mere locker room bravado talk, but now Lewiston is thinking about making an honest city out of Auburn after years of being just friends with benefits? Frankly, I don’t understand why, if Lewiston wants to get a little something on the side, it has to be Auburn. Why not hook up with some less obvious town, like Leeds or Pownal and really raise some eyebrows? Those smaller towns might not have all the curvy avenues and heaving malls of the temptress Auburn, but they have nice personalities.

I always thought these columns were made up . . .

Anybody else feel dirty after reading all that? You’re welcome.

Crackers!

A certain prominent figure from Auburn keeps posting Keebler elves on my Facebook wall without explanation and it’s starting to freak me out. I mean, there’s no possible way he could know about the unfortunate Keebler incident of 1987. I fought hard to have that record expunged!

Going to ground

One reader wrote me this week and suggested that, if I think the government is so fundamentally corrupt, why don’t I just get a bunker and prepare for the end? HA HA HA! Like I don’t have a bunker.

No vacancy

Seriously, I don’t have a bunker. No reason to come around here looking for canned corn and tuna.

Wingman

Another reader wrote to ask why I don’t write about Lewiston’s lurid side anymore. Come on, man. Have you not heard that Lewiston is trying to get something going with the fair maiden across the bridge? What kind of team player are you? Lewiston is hardworking, loyal and would give you the shirt off its back.

McDonald’s is your kind of place

Boy, I need to get out more. It always feels like Lewiston rolls up its sidewalks at 8 p.m., but have you been to McDonald’s after dark lately? At the restaurant on Lisbon Street at midnight on an average Thursday, I found: four young men at a table playing a card game called Revolt while their fries got soggy and cold; a pair of teens eating a massive pile of food and doing their homework; an old man drinking coffee and muttering quietly over a crossword puzzle; a bearded dude with a knapsack sleeping with his head on his arms. It’s a regular microcosm in there. Or should I say, McRocosm.

Also

Isn’t it funny when somebody pronounces McDonald’s MACdonalds?

Plain brown wrapper

Ooh, my credit union was not happy last week to discover that I’d tried to make a payment to a company that operates out of Korea. They slammed that vault door shut tight and then sent a letter that says, in essence, “Why are you in Korea?? Is everything OK? You really need to let us know when you leave home. We worry about you. Are you wearing clean underwear? You could be in an accident!” Frankly, I appreciate their attention to potential fraud. I still need that item out of Korea, though, and just you never mind what it is. I’m a man, I have needs.

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