By Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post
Q: I came from an upbringing of extremely strict parents who had impossible standards about my appearance and my academic achievement. They made me feel like nothing I did was ever good enough. I looked forward for years for the opportunity to escape. Now I am 26, and even as I no longer interact with my parents on a daily basis, I continue to be so hard on myself. They no longer have any real control over what I do, but it’s like they have mental control. How can I stop this and start living for myself, finally?
A: The effects of a problematic upbringing don’t automatically go away just because you want them to; otherwise, I’d be unemployed (and attempting to get a job as the person who tries and fails to finish people’s crossword puzzles). Even as you knew your parents’ standards were overly harsh, they nonetheless sunk in to the ways you process your daily life, and they changed the very lens you use to see yourself and the world. Inner voices that have been around since your baby teeth don’t just up and leave easily.
A cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you work to shift your mindset — not only identifying the thought patterns and how they affect your behavior, but creating a plan to challenge them and neutralize them so they no longer stick and have so much control over you.
Q: I recently left my husband due to his substance abuse, since I decided that if he did not get help, I would not stand by him. We have a young child. Part of me wants him to have her on weekends. But then I think if his drug issues were bad enough for me to leave him, then maybe he shouldn’t have her at all. Or maybe it’s one last incentive I can hold out to get help. But that seems needlessly divisive and hurts my daughter.
A: It’s hard for me to imagine that your husband’s substance abuse didn’t — and won’t — affect your daughter. She observed a lot by living with him day to day. Of course, using your daughter as leverage for anything, even his getting help, is not fair to either of them.
Figure out exactly how his challenges made your marriage unsustainable. (Unreliability? Mood problems? Physical symptoms? Long-term health risks? Financial instability? Safety concerns?) Then come up with ways that your daughter can maintain her relationship with him without those factors threatening to invade, like day visits only or supervision — any mutually agreed-upon way to make sure she is never put in emotional or physical danger. Of course, if he can get clean and sober, then he’ll have more to look forward to in their relationship — it should be a carrot, not a stick. Please consider getting your own professional support as you navigate this.
Andrea Bonior is a Washington-area clinical psychologist and the author of “The Friendship Fix.” Follow her on Twitter: @drandreabonior.