Duck, duck goose

Searching some ne’er-do-well’s criminal history the other day, I came across a prior conviction for the charge of “unlawful use of a migratory game bird.” I have no idea what that charge entails, but can you imagine the scene when the accused is leaning against a wall in the prison yard, cigarette clamped between his teeth, when some bad-heinied convict wanders over and asks the inevitable question: “Wadda you in for?” I’m sorry, but I just don’t see any way to spin a duck-related charge into something that will garner you street cred.

Sap is whack

Is maple syrup the new crack? It’s all I’ve been hearing about lately, and passion for the sticky stuff seems to have reached addiction levels. There are syrup parties everywhere, people are fighting over territory and I know one lass so enthusiastic about the sweet goo, she broke her ankle in two places trying to get some. True story. I expect that any day now, we’ll start hearing about syrup-related home invasions and drive-by shootings. Just say no to pancakes, yo.

Pennywise

An estimated one trillion people have sent me links, video clips and news stories to alert me that the movie-version of Stephen King’s “It” has been remade and will debut in September. Which leads me to believe that last summer’s clown hysteria across the country was just one elaborate marketing scheme. Well played, clowns. However, don’t think you’re going to lure me into the sewer again with promises of balloons and snacks. I’m not falling for that one a third time.

Security theater

Many also sent along the latest hardcore TSA groping video, which features a boy in shorts and a T-shirt getting a very long and very thorough pat down from your friendly TSA agent at a Texas airport. The video is cringe inducing and seems to go on forever as the lad bravely endures the seemingly endless mauling. Thousands have reacted to the video, expressing rage toward the agent and sympathy for the boy and his family. The trick, though, is to not think of this as an incident involving just one agent and one towheaded lad. Think of yourself as that boy – heck, consider him a representation of every man, woman and kid in America who has ever submitted to the indecency and humiliation of excessive TSA prodding just so they could fly the friendly skies. The TSA is merely one symptom of a larger sickness, and that boy’s nightmare belongs to all of us.

Samsung to take on Oculus, Vive with high-powered VR rig

That’s a real headline, presumably written in Vulcan. I suspect it’s the equivalent of the 1964 announcement: “Bell to introduce push-button model with backlighting.”

Dink-dink-dink-dink-dink

Out of Lisbon on Wednesday, we got a classic surveillance image of a guy making off with a canoe stolen from somebody’s yard. Now, the mistake this fellow made was walking upright while hauling away the boat. He should have taken a page from the cartoons by dropping onto the ground with the canoe over him like a tortoise shell and scuttling away crab-style. It works even better if you can get a friend to play cartoon-scuttling sound effects while you make your getaway. Let me know if you need to borrow my xylophone.