Chuck’s Garage

Here’s an item that was submitted to the paper. Not sure if this was supposed to be funny or not, but after a thorough examination of said item, I have made my ruling. Funny! Part of the directions to the April meeting of the Upper Kennebec Valley Chapter of the Maine Woodlands Association, at the woodlot of Chuck Hulsey in Temple, are as follows: “From Washington Township: Starting somewhere from Route 156, park your vehicle then start hiking due easy, four very difficult miles through the woods, then over Varnum Mountain to the western end of the Varnum Pond Road. There is no trail. Coffee and doughnuts will be served up the driveway in Chuck’s garage. This event is open to all and free to all and no need to pre-register, just show up!”

Bat salad

A bat was found in a bag of organic salad at a local grocery store. That salad is apparently awesome, too, because it’s been flying off the shelves. Nyuk, nyuk. You gotta feel for the poor mother, though, who’s been trying to convince her fussy kids that eating greens isn’t scary. Sure thing, mom. Except for, you know. That winged Dracula-looking creature staring at me from behind a carrot.

Cumberland Farms

It’s unfortunate what’s happening with the Auburn store’s fire suppression system. It’s apparently the place to be if you want to find out what it’s like living in a snow globe. That said, I’ve become so hooked on Cumby’s coffee grounds for my daily at-home consumption, I’d still risk a trip to the store even if spiders were flying out of those overhead pipes instead of fire suppressant powder. When it’s scorpions, though, I’m out. Fortunately, scorpions are not yet airborne.

Scorpions have gone airborne!

A man on a United Airlines flight was stung this week after a scorpion fell out of an overhead compartment and attacked with its horrifying stinger of pain and terror. Say what you want about United, their flights ain’t boring.

In bloom

On Facebook, a fellow named Greg provides a Yates-like description of the season in downtown Lewiston: “Spring is definitely here – driving through Lewiston I spotted the surest sign. A couple strolling along, he with no shirt, plaid boxers showing splendidly above his cargo shorts, she wearing a sleeveless strappy tee showing off her ink, and pregnant belly and plaid flannel pajama pants that matched his shorts. Ahhh, spring in Lewiston.”

Fit to be tied

Twice this week I had to wear a tie. Twice! If that’s not a sure sign of a bad week, I don’t know what is. It’s been so long since I tied one on, I apparently forgot which knot I prefer. I thought I was a four-in-hand kind of guy, but I ended up with more of an Oriental knot. It’s all very confusing. I strangled myself a little bit in the process and actually passed out for a brief period. It was a nice break in the day. Gonna do it again soon.

Fashion tip!

Your tie knot should never be larger than your head.