Get dirty

Nordstrom is selling a $425 pair of jeans that look like they are covered in mud. That’s weird enough, but what’s even weirder is that people are buying these “Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans” with their strategically placed designer dirt. Perhaps on the next rack over, one can buy a T-shirt with pre-stained armpits. Tell you what, smart shoppers. If you want to save a few bucks on this exciting new look, send me your jeans and $100 and I’ll wear them while I’m out riding the muddy trails on my dirt bike. Can’t help you with the armpit stains, though. I don’t perspire.

Holy pantaloons!

At TJ Maxx, for a measly $16.99, one can buy a pair of jeans that come with tears and holes thoughtfully prepared at the factory so you don’t have to go out and rip them yourself. We’re talking gaping holes in the denim from ankle to thigh on both legs, providing that dragged-across-a-parking-lot-and gnawed-by-rats look so coveted with young people these days. I know someone like that – I don’t want to identify her because she’s my daughter, Tamara, and it might embarrass her.

Your golden years

So, clearly, the people of Forbes spent a great deal of time here while coming up with their list of top retirement communities. Pretty sure I spotted their researchers hanging out shirtless on Pine Street, buying 40s at Speaker’s Market and occasionally lawn chairing in Kennedy Park. I’m not questioning their findings, mind you, I just wonder: If they see Lewiston as a great place to retire to, where exactly are they retiring from?

Explosive bowel movements after eating are problematic

This was a headline in the online SJ earlier in the week. I didn’t click the link – I had just cleaned my keyboard.

Internot

So I’m pondering the idea of going one whole weekend without the internet. No internet of any kind. Breaking news updates, text messages, calendar reminders, emails, YouTube videos, streaming TV . . . none of that action for me. It’ll be like 1989 all up in here. Now that I think of it, I might just go back to the kind of lifestyle I enjoyed back then. I’ll just need some Meister Brau, a denim coat and someone to feather my hair.

Unite or die

Opposition to the vaguely incestuous Lewiston-Auburn merger is growing by the day. I’m not sure which way I lean just yet, but I’m starting to enjoy the heated rhetoric and rising passions – it sort of has a patriots vs. tories feel to it. And with paranoia growing on both sides, I expect we’ll see a tarring and feathering before long. I suggest that at all public debates on the matter, both sides should be required to wear powdered wigs.

The feathered, demin-wearing author without the Meister Brau.

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