What’d you get for eight down?

So, apparently there was some foul-up with the syndicate, which caused us to publish papers Saturday AND Tuesday that contained crossword puzzles missing half their clues. Missing clues! Can you imagine it? I would like to make it publicly known that I had nothing to do with this foul-up. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Wasn’t even in the office that day, and I have witnesses to verify this. You’ve got to believe me, people. The last thing I need at this phase of my promising career is to be linked to the Crossword Puzzle Debacle of 2017. People go down in flames over these things. I hear one editor has disappeared already while another has had to go into some kind of protection program because of the dolts who screwed it up. You don’t mess with the crossword puzzle (or God forbid, the Jumble!) and just walk away from it. Of course, this sordid affair does not compare to the unpleasantness that followed the TV Preview Debacle a few years ago. That one got ugly. “Game of Thrones” ugly. The Red Wedding is child’s play compared to what happened when some fool (not me, I swear it) messed up the TV Preview.

Lighting up your life

After experiencing the joy and wonder of the toilet light myself this year, I spread the love far and wide by giving toilet lights to at least four people this year for Christmas. That’s four people who will have their spiritual lives forever enriched by the soul-pleasing splendor of an illuminated bowl. I think next I’ll go door-to-door to further share the power and love of the toilet light. Will you at least take my pamphlet?

You’ll catch your death!

Yes, yes, it’s cold outside. I know this because I read it on every page of the newspaper and saw it in non-stop loops on every TV channel. I’ve seen newspaper stories with six reporter bylines on them. News folk really want you to know that it’s cold outside and yet, in spite of the shock-and-awe-style reporting, you still see people prancing around out there in shorts and polo shirts. You never see them shiver, either. By all appearances, these people are impervious to both cold and Watergate-level news coverage. An intervention may be required. Lock them in a room and make them look at wind chill charts, I say. It’s for their own good.

Thame of Grones

So, I’ve finally started watching “Game of Thrones,” so stop deriding me for my lack of culture. I’m four seasons into the show and still don’t know if I like it. I mean, the political jockeying is fun and all, but then they just randomly throw in a dragon or one of those weird zombie things. It’s like “The Godfather” meets “Dungeons & Dragons” all up in here.

Very cross word

Seriously, I had nothing to do with the missing puzzle clues. Please tell your friends.