Dude, vote for me

At the Democratic State Convention last week, I ran into a nice lady in the parking lot who claimed to be running for one office or the other on the hemp platform. In fact, she had ground up her platform, sprinkled it into paper and twisted it into the fattest and sweetest smelling campaign sign I have ever seen. By the time I was done talking to her, I felt great! I think I might have agreed to be her chief of staff or something. It’s all very hazy.

Master level complaint

Note to the Sun Journal: “IF THE JOB CAN’T BE DONE RIGHT—JUST DON’T DO IT AT ALL!!!–PHOTOS OF OBVIOUSLY INCOMPETENT PAVERS’ SO-CALLED ‘FINISHED’ PAVING ON BARTLETT ST.–WITH LINES PAINTED—BUT BIG AREAS OF RIPPED UP ROAD LEFT UNPAVED—UNFINISHED–BAD JOB DONE!!!!”

This lady, who loudly complained about an unfinished paving job on Bartlett Street in Lewiston nailed down a whole slew of prestigious complaint awards.

* Longest Email Rant Shoved Inside a Subject Line Prize? Got it.

* Dedication to the All Caps Philosophy Honor? All yours, hands down.

* The Gross Overuse of Both Exclamation Points and Dashes Award? Shine it up and put it on your mantle, my friend. You absolutely wrecked it.

* She also snagged an award for Most Premature Complaint Ever, after a Public Works official later explained that the pavement work was still in progress.

* Also, by somehow linking the downtown Lewiston paving project to the Trump administration, the lady goes home with the Most Creative Effort to Politicize a Non-Political Event Prize. Which ain’t easy with so many people vying for that award.

* And finally, after listening to the telephone version of this complaint, I’ve got to hand out the LOUDEST VOICE EVER AWARD on top of everything else. I’ve never heard anyone actually speak in all caps, but this one did it. I think the volume of that voicemail message alone could have peeled the pavement from the entire length of Bartlett Street.

‘Love Hurts’

OK, this has nothing to do with local news or anything at all, really. But who among you knew that this ’70s Nazareth classic was originally performed by the Everly Brothers? The Everly Brothers! And if that ain’t weird enough, Roy Orbison also does a version. This has just turned my life upside down. If I find out that “Don’t Fear the Reaper” was originally performed by Liberace I’m going to have to check myself in somewhere.

Getting ocular with Bill Eldridge

The half-mad (presumably) Poland sketch artist is at it again. This time, he created a likeness of me surrounded by reading glasses, magnifying glasses and a seeing-eye dog named Helen Keller. The irony is that there is so much detail in an Eldridge piece, I needed both glasses and magnifier to see it all. Street drugs help, too.

The hole you’re in

What’s with all the port-a-potty vandalism lately? I mean, what does it say about you as a person if you need to focus your rage on a plastic shell surrounding a deep hole covered in human waste? Seek help, bro.