Roll ’em up!

In the days leading up to the Fourth of July, it’s a lot of fun for the whole family to play the classic downtown game “fireworks or gunshots?” I find that in recent years, one can also have a pretty rousing good time playing “skunk or pot?” while driving through the city. Throw in a few rounds of “hooker or not?” while driving up Pine Street and you’ve got enough for a whole weekend of entertainment.

You got a pipe for this stuff?

So, the other night I decided it would be awesome to have Doritos with my steak. (Just you shut up about my diet, you’re not my mom.) So, I went to Shaw’s and found them priced at two bags for 8 bucks. And that was a sale! Since when did Doritos become more expensive than crack? I bought them, of course. I mean, what else was I going to eat with the steak? Broccoli? Be real.

Coming soon: News Mart

Whilst stranded in line at the Dunkin’ Donuts on Center Street in Auburn the other day, I noticed that a new business called Eye Mart has gone up on the other side of the street. Eye Mart! Call me crazy, but that sounds like a store from the future, when our body parts will be disposable just like everything else. And what’s with the trend of just putting “Mart” after a noun and calling it a store name? Doesn’t anybody put effort into coming up with cool business names anymore? I worry that this trend will continue into “Cadaver Mart” funeral homes. Actually, now that I write it out, that would be kind of awesome.

Now there’s a strange means of locomotion

Saw a dude cruising up Pine Street the other day in a weird little buggy that kind of looked like a shiny red, motorized rickshaw. What’s with all the weird variety of locomotion lately? Back in my day, you either had a car or a truck. There wasn’t anything in between. Then along came the perversion known as the Subaru Brat and it all went to hell.

You got some fa la la la la on your shoe

Local funny lady Dawn Hartill took to Facebook this week to report on the various oddities she happened upon during a (freakishly early) morning stroll around town: five nip bottles, four Bud Light cans, three banana peels, two spent condoms and one solitary shoe. Sing all of that out loud and you, my friend, have found the perfect urban Christmas song! If it doesn’t sound right to you, call me and I’ll sing it for you. I can do that because since discovering this bit of musical magic, I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!

Pizza cop!

Saw a photo on Facebook the other day wherein some brave soul had placed a car-top pizza delivery sign on the roof of a Maine State Police cruiser. I’m not sure where it happened or when, but respect, bro. When we were young hoodlums, we were always talking big about doing stuff like this, yet no one I know ever marshaled the guts to actually do it. We DID knock on doors and run away, however. Such punks. We were practically gangbangers.

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