Important underpants news

I regret to inform you that I will be retiring last year’s union suit, bought at Tractor Supply and worn with great pride and stinkiness throughout the winter season. It has been replaced with a Merino wool base layer that, while less stylish than the bright red union suit, should offer greater warmth and – let’s face it – sexiness. Of course, the day after I bought the Merino set, it was sunny and 85 degrees outside. Wore it anyway. It’s the principle of the thing.

Not to worry, though

You can still enjoy photos and live action video of the union suit on my winter underpants website.

Ha!

Made you look.

McGlorious

Boy, I thought it was exciting when Hannaford opened those self-checkout lanes, but that euphoria could not compare to the joy I felt when I learned that McDonald’s is offering egg McMuffins at all hours of the day. I mean, I’m a guy who doesn’t have anything to do with breakfast or its absurdly early hours, so getting a McMuffin at 11 o’clock at night is a singular kind of thrill. Although if some fool messes up and makes mine with sausage instead of ham, I will cry for a solid week.

We’re all friends here

So, Facebook wants us all to put their special-made cameras in our homes so we can view the living habits of people we barely know, live and in color and around the clock. No thanks, friend. You’ve shown me what you’re having for dinner, I don’t need to watch you eat it shirtless with your cat.

Ministry of Love

Doesn’t it seem that if George Orwell had heard of Facebook, “1984” would be twice as long?

Cheese whiz

It was with a heavy heart that I learned that many major stores and fast-food joints will stop selling American cheese. It’s not that I particularly like the stuff – I’m more of a Swiss guy, myself, although Timberdoodle is funner to say – it’s just that American cheese brings back memories. There were many occasions back in the day when a slice of individually wrapped cheese and a couple raw hot dogs was lunch. This meal was second only to that of saltine crackers slathered in mustard with a slug of RC Cola. Used to eat raw macaroni, too. Is it any wonder I grew up to be so big and strong?

A vote for me is a vote for lunacy

A funny fellow with whom I share a surname wrote, out of the blue, with several ideas for an upcoming campaign I didn’t know I was involved in. His ideas were interesting, but I’m pretty sure this character was just looking for some cool signage for his lawn. “How about a sign with just your last name and let people wonder what you are campaigning for,” was among his suggestions. “Any of these signs would look good in front of my house.” Seriously, are all people with this name absolutely nuts? It’s no wonder we’re not allowed to hold family reunions.

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