Madness!

Remember how I groused about how there was no mad rush at the stores on Christmas Eve? And how I wondered, all sad and confused, about where all the crazy holiday traffic had gone? Yeah, well I found it. I found it on New Year’s Eve in the form of horn-honking rage on the streets and elbow-to-guts shopper fu in the grocery stores. There’s probably a lesson in this for me. Be careful what you wish for, maybe. Or never run out of cat food and Vienna sausages on New Year’s Eve.

Murder!

Ha! Made you look! I’m talking about the crows, of course. Everybody’s talking about the crows. Everybody. I know this because you keep calling, writing and coming over to my house to tell me about them. “I know all about the crows. I can see them, too,” I tell you people. “But Mike,” you insist, “you gotta go down to Sabattus and Farwell and have a look because this is THE BIGGEST CROW SWARM EVER!” Every flock that’s brought to my attention happens to be the BIGGEST EVER. It’s like the hysteria over Christmas decorations, only these decorations won’t hesitate to fly over your car and turn it into a dripping, stinking mess.

Mail route of the damned

In Auburn, a postal delivery truck was stricken with a flat tire while the delivery dude was out on rounds Wednesday afternoon. A wrecker was dispatched to haul the postal truck out of the road, but then the wrecker got a flat, too, and couldn’t get the job done. Another wrecker was sent out to the scene, but by nightfall, it hadn’t arrived. Now I’m not saying there’s a conspiracy afoot, but I’m told that before the mail truck went down, a massive flock of crows – the biggest one yet! – was seen huddling in nearby trees. That’s how these things go, you know. One day they’re eating the trash in front of your house, the next day they’re making off with your mailman and/or tow guy.

Three charged in underage drinking party

These kids coming up nowadays, I don’t know. Drinking on New Year’s Eve? Despicable. Where do they learn this stuff? Why when I was a teen, we’d celebrate the last night of the year with Bible study, sewing circles and doing good deeds throughout the community. At least that’s the way I remember it at the moment. To tell you the truth, that part of my life is really hazy for some reason.