‘Chuck E. Cheese denies conspiracy theory
“Says it was nowhere NEAR the grassy knoll that gloomy hot day in Dallas, Texas. Also insists it was just friends with Marilyn Monroe and never saw her at all on that fateful night. And doesn’t known nuthin’ about the moon landing and will thank you to stop asking about it.”

Give me your tired, your poor, your frozen butts
God bless the poor soul, the Statue of Liberty guy was out there on Main Street in Lewiston the other day dancing around in 15-degree weather to entice people in for tax help. For his sake, I hope that goofy costume was made by Carhartt.

Does that have gluten in it?
And speaking of diner tomfoolery, I have just learned that after all of the hoopla over IHOP changing their name to IHOB, to better represent their burger line, they reversed that decision a while ago by announcing, essentially, “Psyche! Just kidding! We’re still IHOP! Good joke, eh?” What a clever marketing scheme. Lying. It’s like they brought you a delicious, fluffy stack of pancakes, but then flung it to the floor in front of your hungry eyes. “Psyche! You don’t get to eat those. We’re actually bringing you a burger. And you will LIKE it!”

‘Why your newspaper may be late this morning’
Boy, it’s cool that we’re able to put those messages up on the web when unforeseen circumstances delay the delivery of your morning paper. It would have been great if there was this kind of thing back when I was a paperboy. Why is your newspaper late? Your rapscallion delivery boy is hungover again. Or he was up all night pitching woo to that lovely lass, Yvonne, who just moved in up the block. Or your newspaper actually arrived, it just landed up on the roof somehow. Who can explain it? Don’t forget to tip your carrier.

Friday night lights
So, Lewiston will be flashing the lights in its City Hall tower to announce wintertime parking bans. Really? You have this awesome tower full of dazzling colored lights and you’re going to use it for that? Big nerds. City officials made it sound even more boring by announcing that these lights will be used “to supplement Lewiston’s ongoing parking ban notification efforts.” Boy, I’ll bet these tower guys get all the ladies. It’s like someone gave them a laser beam from space but they’re just going to use it to clean the parking garages or something. Geesh, step away from your pocket protectors and find something cool to do with this thing, will you?

Lewiston’s trampoline park
Now THAT’s what I’m talking about, City Hall weirdos. Take a lesson from these guys. They built a trampoline park with a Velcro wall, a ninja course and something called a jumping pit. That’s how you do cool, bro.

Lewiston hires new school superintendent
What? This is not going to work out at all. The dude doesn’t have a beard! Bill Webster had a beard.