Light of the seven
I SWEAR I saw George Carlin Tuesday afternoon on Pine Street in Lewiston. He was standing on a corner, bearded, one eyebrow lifted in bemusement and scowling in that Carlin way. It was him, all right. Never mind that he was reported dead more than 10 years ago, I know what I saw. To verify that it was him, I plan to ride up and down Pine Street hollering out Carlin’s famous seven words. I can’t remember what they are, though. Can someone help me with that? Just send the words in a note to my boss, that’ll be great.

Flies in the sugar bowl, shoo, shoo
Saw a dude skipping down a sidewalk the other day in Lewiston. I mean, this cat was legit skipping old-school style. He wasn’t skipping bail, skipping town or skipping school, he was skip, skip, skipping to my Lou, my darling. I wonder why the fine art of skipping has faded out of the culture? It’s a great way to demonstrate your high spirits to the rest of the world, and also to let them know that you’ve completely lost your mind.

How much for the straitjacket?
Went into the Dollar General store at the old Promenade Mall Sunday night — it now goes by Gendron Place — and found just a solitary woman working there. She wasn’t just the only person in the store — with the rest of the spaces empty and the one other store, Staples, closed Sundays, she was the only person in the entire mall. That’s just creepy, yo. Mylar balloons floating everywhere like ghosts, legions of bug-eyed dolls staring from shelves and freaky Chia heads around every corner? I wouldn’t last an hour in that. I’m feeling ascairt just writing about it.

Smokey’s Later Shows
The carnival this year was delayed for a week due to “reasons beyond our control,” according to the carnival people. Doesn’t that sound ominous? Doesn’t that just conjure disturbing thoughts about a tragic mishap involving a team of carnies, a corn dog and a Tilt-a-Whirl? Throw in a fried sausage, a Drumstick and the face of one of those Water Gun Fun clowns and you’ve got yourself a week’s worth of nightmares. Turns out they were low on staffing, but I’m sticking with my nightmare.

It has begun
Wait. From a vigilant reader: “A word of warning. Hobby Lobby is putting out the autumn and Christmas decor.” Forget about the corn dogs and clown faces, this nightmare is real!

You spray my back, I’ll spray yours
Got tips on how to keep bugs away when you’re out gardening, fishing or doing weird stuff in the woods? Don’t be greedy, son. Send your suggestions to me at [email protected] and be the hero of summer.


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