Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post

Q. My 35-year-old son has recently put on quite a bit of weight, and my husband and I are at odds about whether we should bring it up. He feels strongly that, because obesity and heart issues run in his family, we need to alert our son to the potential seriousness of this and help him get back on track. I feel like of course our son knows this, and it will only make him more ashamed and upset. He is a grown man and our job is just to love him.

A: I lean much more toward your side. Assuming he is not totally in the dark about his specific genetic risks, I agree it is doubtful there is some special insight about weight or health that he doesn’t already know. That said, I don’t think total silence is necessary either. Significant weight gain could have not just troubling effects, but troubling causes, too. Might he be depressed? Have a hormonal imbalance? Be sleeping poorly? There is a sweet spot between the semi-critical nature of “You have put on weight and we are concerned” and the vague dancing-around of “Is everything OK?” I won’t put those words in your mouth (for once!), but they will come to you when you establish a loving, listening conversation about how things are truly going in his life. Chances are, there’s something behind the weight gain. Be empathetic and loving as you try to figure out what it is.

Dr. Andrea Bonior is a Washington, D.C.-area clinical psychologist.