A bum steer

What’s the deal with everybody and his brother riding bicycles around Lewiston with but one hand? Saw a young dude cruising down Park Street the other day, handlebars in one hand, phone in the other. Couple blocks up, there’s a guy riding up Bates Street using one hand to steer, the other to hold a bag of groceries. Around the corner on Pine Street, there’s a fellow pedaling along with just one hand on the bars and the other in a sling. I tell you, back in my day if you went biking around with just one hand, you usually ended up having a super intimate moment with the cross tube below the seat. I know plenty of guys who never were able to father children because of this.

Someone needs a diaper change

What about that weirdo in Windham prowling around in a buck-toothed baby mask, carrying a hatchet and knocking on doors? I’m going to go ahead and predict that if the dude keeps it up, he’ll end up with a Doberman on his heels, tears in his eyes and buckshot in his fanny before Halloween.


Fanny. Who says “fanny” anymore? I like it. Let’s bring it back. Also, “heinie.”

With mine own eyes

After 25 years of calling the National Weather Service for droll comments about things like snowstorms and heat waves, early last week I found myself smack dab in the middle of their parking lot. I ended up there accidentally after getting lost on my way to New Gloucester, for some reason. Anyway, seeing the by-God Weather Service with my own eyes was an enthralling moment for me. It’s like one of those places you hear about as a kid – dog heaven, the North Pole, that underground dungeon for naughty kids – but without ever clapping eyes on the place, you half suspect it doesn’t exist. Well, I’m here to tell you, brothers. The National Weather Service is as real as that huge nose on your face. The Dungeon for Naughty Boys is pure fiction, however. If that sucker was real, I’d still be there to this day.

Get your skis out, yo

The Farmers’ Almanac tells us it’s going to be an early winter and a harsh one, but it’s even worse than that. It’s still August yet I’ve already seen snow in Lewiston! A big pile of it, in fact, right outside the Androscoggin Bank Colisee on Birch Street. Must have been one hell of an isolated storm to drop that much snow in one spot.

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