Editor’s Note: We have changed the name of the DV survivor to protect her. October recognizes Domestic Violence. Please support survivors by attending a local vigil. 

REGION — There is more to domestic violence than physical assault, said “Joan.” Her long-term relationship was riddled with short fuses, angry outbursts, jealous suspicion and stringent control on his part. For her, it was years of walking on eggshells.

“I work in customer service,” she said. “He would stop by to visit me at work and would get so angry if I was waiting on a male customer.”

At home, proof of his anger was shown by patched over holes in the drywall.

“Toward the end, there was an escalation,” she said. “His anger increased to where he was screaming at me for everything. No matter what I did, it wasn’t the right thing.” 

He would be angered is she did not immediately answer his phone calls or texts, or if there were unexpected changes to her schedule. He controlled what she wore, who she talked to outside of work, where she went and what she did.

She stayed because she was afraid to leave. She felt his position as a law enforcement officer put her in a place where she had to stay for her own safety.

“It was his jealousy and control that scared me the most,” she said. “I was afraid he would force his authority and make it really hard for me to work and have a life.”

She also stayed because she hadn’t been the physical object of his violence … until the day she was.

“We were out shopping,” she said. “We ran into one of my male customers and he stopped to talk. On the surface, everything seemed to be okay but I knew I would have questions to answer as soon as we were out of the public eye.”

The barrage of questions and accusations came as the couple was headed home, she said. When they got home, she was pulled out of the car, pushed to the ground and violently assaulted.

“Who do you call in a situation like that? I couldn’t call the police. I don’t think they would have believed me over him,” she said.

The following day, she made a doctor appointment because she suspected she had a serious injury as a result of the assault.

“My doctor helped me navigate reporting the incident,” she said. “I knew there was no going back if I reported it but going back wasn’t something I wanted to do. This was my way out of something I’d wanted to be apart from for quite some time. I just didn’t have the guts.

She was connected with local agencies and organizations to help her through the immediate process of leaving her situation. The people, she said, were supportive, empathetic and sensitive to her unique situation.  They assisted her through the court process and helped her with mounting medical bills.

Although it has been some time since she put that part of her life behind her, she is still haunted by the experience and angry at the power he still holds over her.

“Even after all this time of not seeing him around or knowing where he is, I am afraid he will get angry and retaliate,” she said. “I don’t want to live my life in fear, but I can’t go anywhere but work and home. A piece of paper says he is not allowed to be near either of those places, or me, but that is just a piece of paper.”

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