Parks and playgrounds reopening
That’s a relief. This whole lockdown business has been particularly difficult for skateboarders. While the parks were closed, they had to resort to beating themselves with bricks, flinging themselves down stairways and running into trailer hitches to maintain the lifestyle of skinned knees, bashed elbows, pounded shins, jolted chins and the various bumps, scrapes and contusions that make their chosen sport so awesome.

Restaurants reopening
It’s been so long since I ate in a restaurant, I’m not sure I remember how it’s done. I seem to recall, in a vague way, that the main component of the customer/waitstaff relationship involves witty banter, such as: “Hello, my name is Dirk and I’ll be your customer tonight! HA HA HA! Bet you never heard THAT one! My wit alone is better than any tip. You’re welcome.” I’ll give it a shot, but I don’t know how I can be expected to match that kind of highbrow comedy.

Beaches reopening
Actually, I don’t know if this one is true. I just assume it is. All I know for sure is that behind the fort near Popham Beach, the seals have been giving extra special performances right around sundown each night. They’re splishing, splashing, romping and cavorting like blubbery circus performers for the few people lucky enough to be out on the beach. Maybe the seals have noticed the decline in audience numbers during the lockdown and have decided to up their game.

Goodbye, farewell and keep your pants on
I don’t know where the world stands on face masks these days, but I know I’ve been seeing a whole lot of them out on the sides of roads, in the woods and scattered across parking lots lately. Nitrile gloves, too. In some areas, I feel like I’ve wandered onto the set of an old “M*A*S*H” episode, only without the edgy banter. In one area near Walmart, I came upon a discarded mask, one rubber glove, a single tube sock and a pair of discarded men’s underpants. I don’t know exactly what went down out there next to Walmart, but you better believe Col. Potter is going to hear about it.

Wildlife parks reopening
I wonder what all the animals have been doing while the parks were closed? I like to think that when no humans are watching, they act like completely different creatures — sort of like that old Far Side cartoon with the cow. While us bipeds were locked in our homes, I reckon the foxes, bears, coyotes and big cats were having jazz concerts, standing around and drinking off a keg, tossing around the Frisbee, playing poker, throwing horseshoes, shooting pool and holding standup comedy acts with prizes for the funniest impression of that dorky guy who cleans the cages.


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