The Staggering Man
“Six Lewiston stores will square off in front of the Maine Bureau of Alcoholic Beverages and Lottery Operations,” according to a business story on Wednesday, “each making a case at a Zoom’d public hearing that it should receive the lone agency liquor store license up for grabs.” Now, tell me this doesn’t sound like the premise to some dystopian, future-world movie where average working Joes are forced to duke it out over meager state benefits in televised competitions. It’s practically “The Hunger Games,” only with bureaucratic permissions in place of scraps of food. Our world, bros. I dunno.

“What should I look for in a hand sanitizer?”
This was a question addressed in the Wednesday paper. The answer: “When picking a hand sanitizer, opt for one that contains mostly alcohol.” Yep, I agree. In this wretched year, it’s hard to argue with taking the “mostly alcohol” route for just about everything.

“Bus driver shortage forcing some kids to walk”
Wait, what? Don’t kids PREFER to walk to school over taking the bus? Back in my day, we went to great lengths to achieve the freedom of hoofing to school, even if it meant braving mean dogs and walking miles of train tracks to get there. Oh, the excuses we had for missing the bus day after day. “I’m sorry,” Mr. Snodgrass. “My brother stuffed me in the dryer again so I hadda walk.” Although, as I look back on it, that one turned out to be true. To this day, I still smell like a dryer sheet. Really. Smell me.

The menace of inanimate objects
On Bartlett Street in Lewiston the other day, I saw a dog straining its leash and barking frantically at a perceived threat it spotted in the roadway. Turned out the perceived threat was a plastic bag dancing in the wind, but hey. I appreciate the dog’s vigilance and I can relate to its confusion. I once found myself arguing bitterly with a parking meter I mistook for an editor. That parking meter and I still laugh about it when we go out drinking together.

I are smart
And just to emphasize the fact that I ain’t right in the head, the other day I needed something at the store and so stopped at Victor News on Park Street in Lewiston. Parked the bike, took off the helmet, actually took a few steps toward the store before recalling that Victor News isn’t a thing anymore. It was depressing. Me and the parking meter are going to head to Laverdiere’s for a malt later to make ourselves feel better.

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