Bag Lady is done stepping over gutted sharks in the kitchen.

Disemboweled llamas. Eviscerated, mustachioed acorns.

But more on that in a sec. Also, muffins, scales, alligator hunts and Schitt’s Creek.

I mean, what are we waiting for?

Insatiable

Maybe her teeth itch, maybe it’s the full moon, but Bag Dog will not stop gutting all her toys. She’s got such unquenchable fluff lust that I suspect she’s even going over to the neighbor’s house to gut their plush as well.

So far I’ve tried toys for heavy chewers, like BarkBox’s Monsieur Acorn (Amazon, $11.99), with no luck.

Also, let’s pause for a moment to acknowledge the beauty of the name Monsieur Acorn.

It’s . . . magnifique.

What’s less magnifique is endlessly vacuuming shredded bits of fabric, thread and batting, and searching for the perfect time-consuming toy she won’t, well, consume. I’m so open for suggestions.

But that’s not the only troubling event rocking the Bag House this week.

Mr. Bag Lady’s bought a scale for the first time in 15 years

Hannaford’s butter rum muffin, Bag Lady’s new sweet habit.

Bag Lady’s new muffin addiction could not have come at a worse time.

Specifically, for the last month I’ve been hooked on a daily butter rum (Hannaford, four-pack, $4.79). Warmed in the microwave for 14 seconds, they’re the height of sweet muffin perfection.

I like to think the timing of his purchase and my new habit were purely coincidental.

You know who isn’t worrying about his weight right now because he’s bedding down in a swamp and trying to eat an alligator?

This time Ryan Holt is naked in the bayou

The Harrison native is at it yet again! Mr. Bag Lady and I were surprised, happily, to see him on the new season of Discovery Channel’s “Naked and Afraid XL Legends,” which debuted Sunday. The challenge this time: Spending 60 days in the Louisiana bayou where the bugs are as big as moose and the cast is trying to catch and eat an alligator before one catches and eats them.

No question I’d be eviscerated inside of 10 minutes by something scaly and toothed. It sounds dreadful, and looks miserable as heck, but damn, the bragging rights he’ll have in 60 days.

Go Ryan! Go Maine!

And when he gets home, give that man a muffin.

Well, how about that.

No less than three people complimented my new Schitt’s Creek T-shirt, my first 2021 clothing purchase, when I wore it out for the first time last week, including a security officer and the delightful nurse who shot me.

Bag Lady can assure you it’s three more people than have complimented any article of clothing in the proceeding five years.

Maybe I’m a bad dresser. Maybe my Schitt’s Creek shirt is ridiculously cool.

There’s no reason both can’t be true.

And yes, I’ve got a second shirt sitting in my online shopping cart right now. It’s . . . magnifique.

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are really just the one dog, working overtime) and the customer service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at [email protected]


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