Lindz Amer is a Maine author and performer who recently published their first book, “Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies.” Derek Davis/Staff Photographer
As a college student at Northwestern University, Lindz Amer took a class on playwriting in theater for young audiences. On the first day, the teacher gave students a handout with best practices for writing plays for kids. One tip stuck out.
“Write from under the doorknob.”
That doesn’t mean dumbing down the material. It means looking at the world through the curious eyes of a toddler, meeting them at their level, breaking down big ideas into smaller pieces. For years, Amer has applied that tip to introduce LGBTQ+ topics to kids through a YouTube series, performances in schools and libraries, preschool television and a forthcoming picture book. Now, they want to show adults how to do the same with their recent book, “Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies.”
“We have to reframe our own understanding of the world in order to teach children toward achieving a better future,” writes Amer. “Through understanding this responsibility, I’ve constructed a lens through which we can approach these ideas in a way that is understandable to young children – and, honestly, pretty much everyone – from under the doorknob.”
Amer, 31, is a Maine author, performer and creator. They are transgender and nonbinary. In 2016, Amer created the YouTube series “Queer Kid Stuff,” which has more than 4 million views, with their childhood self in mind. They made the videos they wished they had to learn what words like “transgender” and “nonbinary” meant back then. But when Amer wrote “Rainbow Parenting,” they were thinking of their parents.
“This book is what I wish my parents had when they were raising me,” said Amer.
“Rainbow Parenting” comes out at a time of intense public debate in state legislatures and school districts about how and when to talk to kids about gender and sexuality. Amer has heard the pushback through their entire career, from a school principal who challenged a play they directed in college to the comments on their social media today. They wrote this book for adults because adults are the ones having those conversations.
“People who are protesting drag story hour and people who are banning these books and trying to make these decisions are trying to control what children can access, what young people can access,” said Amer. “I’m not necessarily trying to speak to kids. I speak to kids plenty through all of my other work. This is the one place where I’m like, here, can I slip this book to the gatekeeper and figure out how to open the gate?”
Maura Oakes is a licensed therapist and the mental health coordinator at Out Maine, which supports LGBTQ+ youth and their families across the state. Oakes works with the nonprofit’s monthly groups for parents whose children range in age from kindergarten to adult. She has not read “Rainbow Parenting” yet, but said parents need spaces and resources where they can get answers to their questions and be more prepared to talk to their kids.
“It’s been really cool to have that buffer, so they can talk with their kids in a really positive way,” said Oakes. “The kids don’t feel attacked or judged. That’s the coolest thing over time in seeing the changes in parents’ attitudes and behaviors and the way they phrase things.”
MAKING ‘QUEER KID STUFF’
Amer, 31, grew up in New York City. From a young age, they wanted to be a performer. They sang and acted. Every year on their birthday, they asked to see a show. In a recent Zoom interview, Amer said they just felt comfortable on stage.
“It’s where I’ve always felt myself, even in times when I didn’t really know myself well enough,” said Amer. “When I was acting and performing a character, I could explore my own identity through a script and a character and a story. I think that really helped me when I was a teenager who was struggling and depressed about who I was.”
At Northwestern University in Illinois, Amer took classes in both theater for young audiences and gender studies. They wanted to combine those two interests, but found few scripts to choose from. During senior year, Amer directed a play called “The Transition of Doodle Pequeño” by Gabriel Jason Dean about a young gender non-conforming boy, and the production was supposed to tour three local elementary and middle schools. After the first performance, a principal argued the material was inappropriate for children and prompted the cancellation of one of the other shows.
That experience was formative for Amer’s career. They grew increasingly frustrated with the lack of plays with LGBTQ+ themes and characters for young audiences, and they continued to hone in on that subject in graduate school. Today, they are a writer and consultant in children’s media, and they’ve written for shows such as “The Fabulous Show with Fay & Fluffy,” “Blues Clues & You Nursery Rhymes” and “Face’s Music Party.”
“Queer Kid Stuff” started in 2016 with a few friends and some basic camera equipment. Amer had the idea to approach queer theory in the same style as Mr. Rogers or “Sesame Street.” The first episode was titled “What does GAY mean!?!” During the short video, Amer and their talking teddy bear (named Teddy) defined the word “gay” and used a chalkboard to illustrate different types of families. Amer continued the series for four seasons, and it was featured in Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, Parents, New York Magazine and other publications. Amer invited guests, talked about LGBTQ+ history and sang songs.
Amer said they look back on those episodes now and see their own evolution as they explored their gender identity in their 20s. In one episode, for example, Amer came out as nonbinary to Teddy and said they wanted to use they/them pronouns from then on.
“I didn’t know you could change your pronouns,” said Teddy.
“You can,” said Amer. “And that’s how I feel.”
Amer spoke out about harassment for queer content creators on YouTube and eventually stopped filming “Queer Kid Stuff” in 2019. (They reactivated the channel recently for a series called “Teddy’s Book Club,” a weekly storybook reading.) But they still heard from viewers who used the videos to explain nonbinary gender to their grandparents or who watch their favorite clips during Pride Month like they watch “The Grinch” at Christmas.
OVERCOMING STIGMA
One constant refrain from critics underneath Amer’s videos, however, was “let kids be kids.” Amer addressed this comment in 2019 in a viral TED Talk about why kids need to learn about gender and sexuality.
“That’s a nice sentiment and all, but only if it actually includes all kids,” said Amer.
They shared stories and statistics about the increased risks of suicide, homelessness and violence for LGBTQ+ youth and adults. They talked about the violence, homophobia and anti-Semitism they saw in the comments on their YouTube channel.
“I want kids to grow up and into themselves with pride for who they are and who they can be, no matter who they love or what they wear or what pronouns they use,” said Amer. “And I want them to love others for their differences and not in spite of them. I think fostering this pride and empathy will make the world a kinder and more equal place, and combat the bigotry and hate that festers in our world. So talk to a kid about gender. Talk to a kid about sexuality. Teach them about consent. Tell them it is OK for boys to wear dresses and for girls to speak up.”
That TED Talk was the seed of “Rainbow Parenting.” Amer said this book is a practical guide for how and when to have those conversations. But it is as much about the adults as it is about the kids. In one early section, Amer breaks down the stigmas that often prevent parents from wanting to address these topics, especially with young children.
“It’s a lot of stripping away internalized biases and anti-trans and anti-queer sentiments that have been conditioned into us for our entire lives,” said Amer. “Undoing that for adults is not an easy feat. So the tone of the book is really like, ‘I am here to help you. This is not going to be easy, but I am going to work with you.’ ”
Sarah McDaniel is the president of the Portland chapter of PFLAG, which offers peer support for the parents, friends and families of LGBTQ+ people. She has not read “Rainbow Parenting,” but pointed to the research that LGBTQ+ youth who feel supported by their families report attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those who do not. She encouraged people to seek out books, support groups and other resources to understand their child’s experience.
“Find some of these resources,” said McDaniel. “Ask some of these questions.”
NOT JUST FOR PARENTS
The rest of the book is divided into sections by age, and it starts in infancy. Of course, Amer said, babies can’t tell you their pronouns. But the book describes this period as a practice round for parents to create a gender- and queer-affirming environment. That can mean their nursery, their bookshelves, their clothes. (For example, avoiding those “Future Ladies’ Man” onesies.) As kids get older, Amer has suggestions for how to introduce concepts such as consent, how to talk about sexuality without needing to talk about sex, and how to answer questions such as “Where do babies come from?” in an age-appropriate way.
“I’m not trying to be ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting,’ ” said Amer. “I’m not telling you what milestone for speech a child should be hitting at this age. This is a parenting philosophy of how to raise kids in a queer- and gender-affirming way. I would say almost every child is assumed that they will grow up to be cisgender and straight. What this book is trying to do, and what I’m trying to do, is disrupt that.”
Amer is not a parent. The book is based off research, years of working with children and their own experiences. But the real secret of “Rainbow Parenting” is that it’s not really a parenting book at all. Amer reveals this on page 3: “This book is for parents, educators, librarians, caretakers, siblings, niblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc., etc., etc.”
Amanda Conlin is a bookseller at Print Bookstore in Portland, which hosted an event on Amer’s book tour in June. Conlin said she does not have children and would not normally pick up a book with a title about parenting, but she changed her mind when Amer came to the store. She said she found advice in the book that can be useful to her, especially as she tries to support kids she knows in her home state of Florida, which has enacted a number of bills targeting LGBTQ+ people.
“My biggest push is making sure we have it in a few different places in the store, not just the family section,” said Conlin.
Amer recently returned from a national book tour, which included author events and family performances. During one show at a library, a heckler interrupted just as they were about to sing a medley of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and “The Rainbow Connection.” Amer described what happened next in a video on Instagram.
“In order to drown out his heckling, the families started singing ‘Over The Rainbow’ with me,” said Amer. “It just gave me this burst of adrenaline, and it was just like this beautiful moment of people coming together to fight back in person with joy.”
And the kids? They didn’t even notice the protester, Amer said. They were just having fun.
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