Paging Mr. Drew
I’ve been writing about Drew Desjardins and his crazy menagerie of critters for as long as I can remember. Mr. Drew and His Animals, Too is the name of his business, but apparently that’s too complicated for my wee, cluttered mind. Every time I write about this cat, something in my head demands that I elevate Desjardins to the level of MD by deeming him Dr. Drew. It happens so often, we’ve had to hire extra editors just to handle my stories about the man. Frankly, I think it would be easier for all involved if Desjardins just went back to school to get his doctorate so my headlines would suddenly be accurate. Is that asking so much?

Hollyweird, here I come
Now that I think of it, wouldn’t you watch a TV show about a dashingly handsome zoologist who is also a doctor of emergency medicine? Imagine Mr. Drew showing up at random scenes, saving lives while a bark scorpion sits atop his head and a massive macaw squawks out medical advice from the good doctor’s shoulder. Next time you see someone choke at a local restaurant, you think about all this. You know, after you call for help and such.

EZ Pass stops recording tolls
Figures. Every time I use the turnpike, you can hear me railing on like Foghorn Leghorn about the high cost of tolls, even when you’re just going down the road a sneeze. Apparently I didn’t do much traveling in March when EZ Pass shut down for 12 hours to address a security breach, so I didn’t take advantage of this lapse. Had I known, I would have driven all the way to Kittery and back three times just so I could feel like I was sticking it to the man. So take that, toll goblins.

Buckfield property going to town or Hells Angels
Have they even considered a third option? Namely, giving that property to me. I spend so much time riding through the woods of Buckfield, I’m practically the Hells Angels of the forest. Give me that land and I won’t have to hang out in front of Tilton’s like a hooligan anymore.

Fate of Old Church on the Hill now in Buckfield voters’ hands
You don’t say. I’ll take that, too, while you’re at it. If I prayed a little more, I might not get lost in the Buckfield woods so often.

I HEART Buckfield
I really do. Would like to live out there. And now that they’ve shut down the massive Buckfield Mall complex, they don’t even have the problem of roving mall gangs anymore.

Good vibrations
I’ve set up a massage chair in my home office, which is just awesome. Makes me feel like every time I sit down to write a news story, I’m doing it from a sleazy hotel in the 1970s. Why do you need to know this? You’ll understand when the time comes.