Come fly away

The best thing to happen to me last week was the discovery of a well-built paper airplane at Geiger Elementary where I had been sent on assignment. I tells you, that plane was constructed so aerodynamically that I could have landed it on the mayor’s fuzzy head if I’d had a slightly better tailwind. As one who can’t construct a paper airplane worth a damn, I would totally hire the kid who made this one to show up at all the events I’m sent to cover just so I’d have something meaningful to do while the grown ups talk about grown up things.

It wasn’t me it was some other guy

So, Shaw’s in Lewiston has a security guard working the store at night and it totally freaks me out. I don’t plan to steal anything, mind you, but every time I have to reach into my pocket for my phone or for a Bull’s Eye candy or something, I expected that dude to come flying down the chip aisle to tackle me. I suspect he’s probably there to catch you weasels who press the “I didn’t use a store bag” button at the self-checkout when, in fact, you used THREE bags to haul your embarrassing items. I know who you are, too, and don’t think I won’t tell Snyder the security guy about it.

Snyder?

I have no idea if that’s really the security guy’s name, but I kind of like it, so let’s make it stick.

And speaking of grocery bags…

Be honest. Don’t you miss the old system where you could take as many plastic bags as you wanted from the grocery stores without a security guy following you home? What do you people do with your scooped kitty litter now that those plastic bags are gone? What do you wear on your feet when you can’t find your rain boots? These are difficult times.

The Fergy moves to Auburn

I hear the old-style Fergy is a smash hit over at 84 Court Pizza & Restaurante, which resurrected the former Luiggi’s sandwich at the request of the county sheriff. And now that I read that sentence over, it just seems bizarre. Is that a real story or did I just make all that up? It’s not always easy to tell.

Does Lewiston dream of electric sheep?

To me, it seems like just a few years ago we were all marveling over the wonders of the Alta Vista search engine. Now we’re talking about spending $300 million for an artificial intelligence data center so powerful, they have to suck water from the river just to cool it off? The future didn’t creep up on us, man. It pounced like a panther, and now our little burg may become a proving ground for technology that would cause George Orwell to hide under his bed. I might join him down there, in fact, because this stuff freaks me out.