Alone Again, Unnaturally

For no apparent reason, I have memorized the entirety of Gilbert O’Sullivan’s truly weird song “Alone Again, Naturally.” I never really liked the song and yet for an entire week, I went around humming it all day and all night until, against my will, the lyrics were committed to memory. Now I like the song even less. So you got stood up at the altar, boo hoo. If O’Sullivan thinks he has problems, he ought to take a gander at what horrors befell poor Billie Joe McAllister when he went up to the Tallahatchie Bridge. Now THERE’S a guy with real woes.

It’s always bothered me

… that in “Ode to Billie Joe,” songwriter Bobbie Gentry never expanded on exactly what Billie Joe and his girl tossed off the bridge before poor ol’ Billie Joe took his fatal swan dive. I have my theories but my investigations have yet to yield anything concrete.

She ran calling Wild Fire for some reason

Never liked this one, either. So, your horse ran off. Surely he’ll come back when he’s hungry. Chillax, Michael Martin Murphey. And while I profess to dislike this song, I crank it up every time it comes on the radio. That’s my confession for the day. Do with it what thou shalt.

Big news in the legume world

So, I have broken my long relationship with Hannaford’s store-brand peanuts in favor of the new nut on the block, Teddie Dry Roasted Peanuts. They’re only a dime more and you can really taste the ambrosia of the nutted pea in them. You can trust me on this matter. Since peanuts are the only thing I eat during daylight hours, I’m very serious about them.

Lisbon Street News

It would appear that this Lewiston store has been sold. I know this because when I went into the store not three days ago to buy — oh, let’s say a quart of wholesome milk — all of my favorite clerks had been replaced. Now instead of taking care of my business with vague gestures and low grunts, I’ll have to actually speak aloud to get what I came for. Man, I hate breaking in new clerks.

Frogger, anyone?

Oh, this is going to be an interesting season for driving in downtown Lewiston. First you got gargantuan snowbanks pushing into the streets and narrowing them to the size of gang planks. Then you have all the walkers crossing the streets every which way because the sidewalks are too icy to walk upon. And now we’re starting to see some pretty impressive potholes and frost heaves that will add to the already perilous fun of driving through the city. Want to test your reflexes? Try driving down Walnut Street at midday and you’ll be swerving and swearing and bashing the brakes so much, you’ll curse me for ever suggesting it. Do it! Do it now! It will amuse me.

Mark LaFlamme is an award-winning Sun Journal reporter and columnist. He’s covered the nighttime police beat since 1994, which is just grand because he doesn’t like getting out of bed before noon. He is the author of eight published novels and rides a dual sport motorcycle everywhere he goes. Unless it’s winter, in which case he just sulks a lot.