Escape from Shaw’s

Almost had to call in sick on Monday because over the weekend, I went to Shaw’s in Auburn and as always, I had GREAT DIFFICULTY finding my way back to Center Street on the mall side of the store. It’s not just me, either. Rumor has it that some shoppers are still out there, forever circling the lot in search of that obscure exit. I can’t verify this through official channels, but I’m told one fellow who went to Shaw’s as a teenager is still wheeling around in that lot —now a very old man with a long beard and gnarled hands dotted with liver spots. On quiet nights, you can hear his moans of rage and frustration as he drives too and fro, forever searching for that elusive exit like a lab rat in a cheese maze. Some say he has a hook for a hand, but that’s probably just rumor.

Give me back my tea!

I think I’m man enough to admit that in the evening, I enjoy a nice cup of soothing tea, to be drunk with one pinky in the air whilst I’m lounging in my smoking jacket and pondering the great works of Kierkegaard. Problem is, there’s only one tea I like, and that’s the Yogi Soothing Caramel Bedtime tea. Which doesn’t sound manly at all, now that I type it out like that. Problem is, this tea has been unavailable for months due to what I’m told are “shipping issues” somewhere between Yogi’s secret tea garden in the mountains of Tibet and the local stores I shop at. I’ve searched high for this stuff and I’ve searched low, at one point traveling all the way to Oxford (or possibly Norway) in hopes of finding it. Over the weekend, I got word from a well-placed tea source that Soothing Caramel Bedtime had been spotted at a Shaw’s in Manchester, New Hampshire, so I went racing off to The Hannaford and The Shaw’s in both Lewiston and Auburn only to find sad, empty shelves where the tea oughta be. My friends, this is turning out worse than The Great Chocolate Graham Cracker shortage I suffered through during COVID. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

There’s nothing like spring in Maine

I say that because what we’ve got right now is absolutely NOTHING LIKE SPRING! I’m starting to understand why some of you weirdos leave your Christmas decorations up until June.

Sing we now it’s Christmas

I ain’t lying about that Christmas decorations stuff, neither. I saw one house decorated so splendidly the other night, it could have tricked ol’ St. Nick himself into believing that he was late for work.

Mark LaFlamme is an award-winning Sun Journal reporter and columnist. He’s covered the nighttime police beat since 1994, which is just grand because he doesn’t like getting out of bed before noon. He is the author of eight published novels and rides a dual sport motorcycle everywhere he goes. Unless it’s winter, in which case he just sulks a lot.