From the Lewiston Police Department Facebook page

“Why do you even have a FB page if you are not going to answer questions or respond to emergencies like the earthquake we had last night?”

I’m sure local police did all they could in the wake of the quake that rocked our community, specifically battling looters and searching for survivors in the wreckage of all those overturned knickknacks and patio chairs.

And another

Also from the LPD page: “QUESTION: If I were lying out in the middle of nowhere, hurt and disabled, but could get a signal for my TracFone and called you, could you find me if all I could give you were my longitude and latitude?”

On the same subject, if I were to drink too much and pass out clutching my LG Optimus V, would an officer be able to find me and erase any embarrassing photos or text messages sent during the drunken spree? I need an answer before Sunday morning, please.

And one more

“Police and K-9s were in my neighborhood and passed out a paper to people. I didn’t get one. Whats going on? I live on Howard Street.”

Clearly they’re talking about you.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day

You know the sentiment “Yankees suck!” that you see on all those bumper stickers, T-shirts and computer screen savers? It used to be an expression of rage and frustration, but at last it has become a statement of fact. The Yankees do indeed suck, in accordance with prophecy.

Zombies stagger into Lewiston

Oh, yes. A bunch of disheveled, bloodied, glassy-eyed men and women stumbling and staggering through downtown Lewiston. That must have been quite a sight. I mean, it’s not like you can see that kind of thing at any hour of any day around here, am I right?

Show me your hands and stuff!

In Lewiston, somewhere downtown, a cop radioed a dispatcher to report that a woman had just jumped in front of his cruiser and proceeded to take her clothes off. Only, the cop actually used the word “unit” instead of “cruiser,” which is five times as funny. I don’t know how this one was resolved, but is it really any big deal? Faux cops are always going to things like bachelorette parties and taking their clothes off. This appears to be the same thing, only in reverse and completely different.

Heard on the scanner

“Suspect was in violation within five minutes of release from jail.”

That takes real commitment. You’ve got to steal a car, assault someone or pretty much smoke a doobie right there on the curb outside the jail to get it done that fast. Nice work, son. We’re all very proud of you.

Frankenstorm

A monster hurricane just in time for Halloween? That would’ve been something. I mean, you could egg the devil out of somebody’s house and then blame it on the storm. “I’m sorry about the mess, Mr. Rhoades. I was just walking by with two dozen eggs and they just sailed right out of my hand. Crazy, huh? Hey, while I’ve got you here, could you give me directions to the mayor’s house? I thought I’d stroll by with a hundred rolls of toilet paper just to see what happens.”