Wanna make a teenager groan?

Buy them the wrong music for Christmas.

Goofing up on which CD will please your niece, nephew or even a kid of your own won’t be seen as just an innocent boo-boo or a passive misreading but as a personal violation, if not a hate crime.

As a teen, I toiled in a record store, and before every Christmas untold scores of desperate moms, dads, aunts and uncles would stumble into the place with the same confused and helpless look on their faces. Invariably, they’d pull a major malapropism on the name of a band they’d overheard in conversation:

“Do you have the new album by Pink Zeppelin?” Or “The Deep Who?”

To help grownups get a grip on how to give a sonic gift to a kid without making them issue a fatwa on you, take into account the following tips. And, remember, they can always return the thing.

1. Notice what they wear:

If the kid hasn’t been seen in any color but nightmare black since they entered puberty, it’s a safe bet they aren’t pining for the new Barry Manilow album. They will, however, very likely swoon for anything by the Cure, Nine Inch Nails or any CD that features groups of scowling anorexics with disfiguringly askew hairstyles.

2. Check out any recently emerging aspects of their lifestyle:

Has the kid recently pledged allegiance to veganism or started showing up at protest rallies for prisoners who dubiously claim to have been unfairly accused? If so, you may well have a jam-band fan on your hands. In this case, steer clear of any album that has songs under 6 minutes long. Also, you’re getting warm if the band members look as if they could have been in groups you liked at least 30 years ago.

3. Ask yourself, “Who’s their crowd?’:

Does the kid run with the conformist jocks and the debs? (If so, simply scan the top of the charts and buy whatever everyone else is buying). Or do they surround themselves with bullies and gangsta wanna-bes? (In this case, you should select only albums with cover art proudly displaying firearms.) The hardest kid to peg would be the outsider/contrarian/smarty-pants. Not only will this type not listen to anything you’ve ever heard of, they will not listen to anything anyone has ever heard of. In that case, don’t worry. They’ll hate what you get no matter what.

4. Go with the classics of teen cool:

Unlike baby boomers, today’s kids tend to admire whatever was seen as edgy and hip in their parents’ day, too. They’re just as likely to be open to Cream or the Doors as you may have been back in the “70s. Even if they don’t dig the specific music, they’ll be too intimidated by the undiminished cool of those brand-name bands to admit it.

5. If all else fails, you could actually ask them what they like:

The only tricky part then is trying not to judge too harshly whatever they come up with.