ave Hoppe’s parenting epiphany came while fixing dinner.

A clinical social worker, Hoppe had been trained in “Love & Logic” behavioral management techniques that he used successfully with the difficult and troubled children he worked with.

When it came to his own parenting, however, he tended to rely on the technique he’d learned from his dad: my way or the highway.

But one evening some years ago, as Hoppe’s 3-year-old son demanded, “I’m hungry! I want my dinner!” something clicked. Hoppe realized arguing only escalated the situation. And he realized he could use Love & Logic techniques with his own child.

“Feel free to come back when you’re in a better mood,” he calmly told his son.

More yelling. More whining.

“Feel free to come back when you’re in a better mood,” Hoppe repeated. His message: You’re hungry, and it’s OK to be angry. Just don’t do it in my face.

After Hoppe repeated his line a few more times, his son wandered off. The boy tried pleading his case when his mom arrived, but she also ignored him. Dinner was served without incident.

Hoppe, chief operating officer of Charlotte’s Alexander Youth Network, recounted that story on a recent evening to a dozen parents who’d signed up to learn Love & Logic skills for themselves. Through a grant, Hoppe has taught “Becoming a Love & Logic Parent” classes for the past three years, free of charge. Not every technique works with every child, he says, but he believes the program can produce dramatic behavior improvements.

The Love & Logic parenting philosophy was created about 25 years ago by former school principal Jim Fay and psychiatrist Foster Cline. It calls for parents to let children make choices and live with the consequences of bad choices so they learn responsibility.

It also teaches parents how to avoid power struggles with their kids, how to set limits and how to create consequences for a child’s actions. The strategies are designed for kids of any age. One woman who took Hoppe’s class told him the techniques also worked with her husband.

Hoppe says he’s sold on the program because it does more than show parents how to control kids. It helps them teach their children to become responsible adults. “Punishment works in the moment, until the next time they act up,” he says. “I’m parenting for when my children are 30.”

Often, Love & Logic calls for parents to reword what they’d typically say to their kids. Instead of delivering a threat (Clean your room or you’re grounded!) you offer a choice (When your room is cleaned, you can go play.) The outcome is often the same, but the changed wording puts the choice more clearly in the child’s lap.

Parents also must pick their battles, Love & Logic says. If you try and control every aspect of a child’s life, you’ll create a child who seizes control with negative behaviors, such as tantrums. You’ll also be exhausted.

Hoppe urged parents in his class to let go of one of their children’s conflict-causing behaviors. Perhaps you stop telling your son to pull up his droopy pants, since you can’t control the drooping when he’s out of your sight, anyway. Or you stop nagging your child to clean her room, though you continue requiring her to pick up her belongings everywhere else in the house. Hoppe came to this arrangement with his sons. “I give them their rooms,” he said.

“This is not about being permissive,” he told the parents. “It is about knowing what you have control over.”

WANT TO KNOW MORE

To learn more, go to www.loveandlogic.com or look for “Parenting with Love & Logic” and “Parenting Teens with Love & Logic,” both by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, $17.95, published by Pinon Press