TUCKER: A MAN AND HIS MEDS

Unlike the busted baseball and football players who typically respond with a ‘Huh? Me?,’ Cleveland Browns offensive tackle Ryan Tucker has admitted to using the banned substance that led to his four-game suspension. Tucker said he took the illegal stuff during his treatment for a mental disorder last season. Um, I’m no psychiatrist, but last time I checked, don’t performance enhancers only make that worse?

FAME IS FLEETING BUT APPARENTLY UNIVERSAL

Robert Kraft openly campaigned for New England Patriots receiver Stanley Morgan to be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. No offense to Morgan, who exhibited nothing but class and consistency his entire career. But if he’s in, Wesley Walker, Henry Ellard and Dwight Clark can’t be far behind. They might as well shut the place down.

WIE, WIE, WIE, ALL THE WAY HOME

Lorena Ochoa is the No. 1 ranked player in women’s golf, and she led the British Open after two rounds Friday. Yet she was forced to share the first paragraph of the Associated Press story with Michelle Wie, who hacked her way to an 80 and missed another cut. Good to see even the sports that nobody in the mainstream gives a damn about have still been hijacked by the shallow, ESPN “Who’s Now?” mentality.

YOU ONLY HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE

A day after a fight in the dugout between manager Ned Yost and two of his players, the Milwaukee Brewers reclaimed first place in the National League Central from the Chicago Cubs, another team with a recent history of public fisticuffs. So that’s the secret, huh? If the Yankees get within four games, I want to see Julian Tavarez and Jason Varitek beating the tar out of each other on NESN some random Tuesday night.

GEARHEAD NIGHT IN CANADA

Stock cars in Montreal. Interesting concept. Just wondering: Do they have a network that’s the equivalent of Versus, to air sports that only people in other countries care about?

THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS

Southern California has been selected No. 1 in the pre-season college football coaches’ poll. In two related stories, the coaches also announced that the sky is blue when it’s sunny and that the cold water faucet is the one on the right.

FATHERHOOD INITIATIVE

DNA testing has confirmed that James Brown had at least two more offspring in addition to the six listed on the Godfather of Soul’s will, with other tests pending. Brown’s music lives on. But Evander Holyfield and Shawn Kemp sure miss the competition.

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