Karaoke boils down to picking a song you have a deep, secret affection for that you think you can sing and other people might enjoy.

This often ends miserably. Which is part of the reason I love it so much.

The stranger the song choice and the worse the singing, the better the time I have. A guy singing “Back Door Man,” by The Doors, is infinitely humorous. When a woman tries to get her Gwen Stefani on – and fails – you laugh. And it’s awesome when a couple struggles with “Summer Nights” from “Grease.” (Especially if the guy is uninterested and monotone.)

But there have to be some ground rules when it comes to song choice. First, no one should attempt to karaoke a song by Whitney Houston or Meat Loaf. No matter how good you think you are in the shower, you ain’t Whitney. And no matter how fat and sweaty you may get when you sing, nobody wants to hear your nine-minute rendition of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

But there’s another, bigger rule: Never attempt to sing any of the following 10 songs.

10. “Paranoid Android,” by Radiohead

Just sing a stupid Coldplay song and leave Radiohead alone. You’re likely to ignite a riot among the notoriously violent and aggressive fans of Radiohead if you screw this track up.

9. “The Battle of Evermore,” by Led Zeppelin

There is no person alive who wants to hear you sing in a falsetto about hobbits and dwarves. Well, there are people who probably would. But you aren’t allowed to play “Dungeons & Dragons” at most area nightclubs.

8. “Push th’ Little Daisies,” by Ween

Great (but annoying) song by a great (but annoying) band. By the 18th time you scream in a child’s voice, “PUSH TH’ LITTLE DAISIES AND MAKE ‘EM COME UP!” you’ll get a bottle shoved down your throat.

7. “Purple Rain,” by Prince

Are you 5 feet 2? Have you purified yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka? Can you pull off buttless chaps? Didn’t think so. Unless you’ve got those three things, you can’t sing Prince.

6. “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town,” by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition

Seems like a nice, easy country song. Until you realize the lyrics are about a paralyzed war vet whose wife is sleeping around on him (and possibly prostituting) while he is confined to his house. Who in the world would want to bring an entire bar down with that heaviness?

5. “Having My Baby,” by Paul Anka

Why do most people go to a bar or nightclub? Ostensibly to meet chicks (or dudes). Almost 90 percent of the people with that pursuit in mind have zero interest in thinking about this potential outcome. Zero. Plus, this is a terrible song.

4. “Poker Face,” by Lady Gaga

I have no idea how in the world this song got popular or who Lady Gaga even is, but I can assure you, nothing says let’s get outta here like hearing this song fired up on the speakers.

3. “I Touch Myself,” by the Divinyls

This falls alongside “Feel Like Making Love” and “My Humps” as songs that provide too much information. Especially when sung by a guy.

2. “Friends in Low Places,” by Garth Brooks

Just about everybody and their cousin Roy who wears a cowboy hat and a giant Texas belt buckle wants to sing this country anthem. This has to stop. Kanye West’s Video Music Awards interruption hasn’t been as overplayed or overwrought as this song at a karaoke bar. Make. It. Stop.

1. “Song from M-A-S-H (Suicide is Painless),” by Johnny Mandel

Want to clear a bar? Want to make just about everyone want to jump off the top of the building? Want to be booed mercilessly by the crowd? Well, then, by all means, start crooning this song from Robert Altman’s “M-A-S-H.” There isn’t a more inappropriate and awful song to sing in front of a large group of people. Now that I’ve finished making this list and started thinking about it, I can no longer die until I watch someone try this at a bar. Challenge issued.