Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post

Q. My girlfriend is kind and considerate, but she has little habits that make her come across as selfish, like always assuming I’m fine with her eating off my plate, stretching her legs over me while we’re watching TV or taking the gum that’s in my car. I think she doesn’t respect my physical space, and I don’t think she realizes she’s doing it. Maybe I need a lot of physical space? How do I tell her to keep her distance without hurting her?

A: If you let this go on to build resentment, that will hurt her far more. So as awkward as this may be to bring up, you both deserve to have it out in the open. Some people would just come out and say it: “Hey, babe, can you not do that?” But if you need to soften it, then figure out the method of delivery. How do you two connect and communicate best: with humor and playfulness? With good listening and a loving tone? With small kindnesses for each other? Maybe you affectionately move her legs and say, “Sorry, honey, couldn’t get comfortable.” Maybe you say, “I’ve discovered I have a phobia of people taking my gum — but I’ll buy you some of your own,” and laugh together. Maybe the next time you have dinner, you say, “So, this has nothing to do with world peace or even our relationship, but I guess I have a thing about not sharing plates. Is that all right?” Use love and empathy and you will be fine, especially given her kindness and consideration.

Q. A friend of mine has been in my life for 30 years. Recently my adult daughter and her boyfriend stayed at my friend’s beach house and my friend has had all kinds of complaints about how they did not take care of the place, all minor stuff. My daughter and her boyfriend are very neat and conscientious and I know my friend is being picky (which she tends to be). My daughter has tried to make it up to her but my friend keeps bringing it up to me and won’t let it go.

A: When she brings it up, is it with a particular goal in mind? Does she still want your daughter to make something right, or for you to? Does she want you to validate her feelings? Is she trying to explain that your daughter won’t be invited back? Figure out what she wants out of the situation, and whether there is a way of granting that, to get yourself some relief. Past that point, be honest but empathetic: “I know that this whole incident has bothered you a lot, and it bothers me too. I wish I could make it go away. But Julia has tried to make it up to you, and yet you keep bringing it up to me. I really want to understand what you’d like from me here, because I want to move on from this and not let it affect our friendship. Can we talk about how to move forward?”

Q. I have been a stay-at-home mom for a couple of years now with my twin boys and I am finally at the point where I am dying to be social and meet other families. It really is good for me in terms of stress relief and enjoyment. I met some moms though a moms group I joined. I have invited them to things and we have a great time but nobody seems to reciprocate! I am tired of always being the one to keep things going. I am someone who needs lots of social time and now that we are past the baby stage, I am ready for solid, reciprocal relationships — not being the cruise director all the time.

A: I hear this a lot. I think there is a growing societal unwillingness to initiate social interactions that don’t involve clicking “like,” and in your friends’ case, it could be made worse by the all-encompassing whirlwind of caring for young children. It could be that in the cost-benefit analysis of remaining the initiator, the social time still comes out ahead. But you can also try to set up events that will develop their own momentum and have some reciprocity built in, like standing moms nights out, potlucks, book clubs or any other “insert your activity here, but with a rotating host” type of event. And you can hint that you are excited for those because they involve sharing the burden of hosting or planning. Maybe you have just had some bad luck with these non-initiators and there are better matches elsewhere, but you won’t know until you have given a nudge and seen what happens.

Andrea Bonior, a Washington, D.C.-area clinical psychologist, writes a weekly relationships advice column in The Washington Post’s Express daily tabloid and is author of “The Friendship Fix.”