Snow fall

I once made a snarky comment about the giant snowman in Bethel and lived to regret it. For a time, I was like Salman Rushdie, running from place to place, hiding all the time. The folks in Bethel love towering things made of snow, and I can respect that. I extend nothing but my sincere condolences for the collapse of whatever that tall snow thing was supposed to be. It helps to remember that it died doing what it loves: being really tall and made of snow.

You will eat it and you will like it

If BPA can cause women to grow little beards, you’ve got to wonder what Gov. Paul LePage ingested to cause his foot to land so frequently in his mouth. Doesn’t everybody have an uncle like this? “Just eat the lead paint, boy. It puts hair on your chest.”

Lewiston police on Facebook

Have you taken a look at that page? Hours of entertainment. Lots of wild accusations, name-calling, hair-pulling and other hoochie business. It’s also a good place to leave messages for scoundrels you can’t get your hands on in the real world.

“To the person who got into my car last night … Thanks for throwing my wife’s purse in the snowbank. I’m sorry the feminine hygiene products were not what you were looking for. Sorry to see the Justin Bieber and Hannah Montana CDs were left in my car. So sorry my car did not have what you were looking for!”

Whoopie

The whoopie pie may be declared an official state treat! This is an important piece of legislation. Gives all those state workers something to chew on while forced to take another day off.

Whoopie II

Lawmakers should also make it illegal for anyone to produce or sell a whoopie pie with peanut butter filling instead of cream. It’s an abomination!

Whoopie III

While they’re at it, they ought to make the whoopie cushion the official state prank.

Whoopie IV

Whoopie is one of those words which, if you repeat it over and over, begins to look and sound absurd. I’ll wait while you give it a try.

One-and-a-half men

OK, I’m over the Charlie Sheen thing. Charlie Harper is still the man, but that Sheen character is a bit of a hump. I have to find someone else from whom to take fashion tips. It’s tragic.