The note came in around midnight on my Facebook wall. “Ever thought of doing an article jab at Maine Police and Fire Alerts Facebook page?” the lass inquired. “Hannaford statewide does not have enough tinfoil!” Ah, yes. The fire alerts guy. For the six of you who don’t know what this is about, a little […]

Chances are good that when you go to retrieve your newspaper from the stoop this morning, you will be greeted by a man riding by in an ark, a family of ducks in funny hats and that dorky Morton salt girl. She’s out of rehab, you know. What I’m saying is that it’s raining. It […]

Driver, where you taking us? The driver of a city bus was admiring my dual sport the other day, to the point where he offered me a deal: He gets to ride my bike, I get to drive his bus. You think I was going to pass that up? Although, I will need some help […]

I’m not going to lie to you. Sometimes I pick a random spot downtown and just sit there watching. Skulking, you might call it, although I wish you wouldn’t. I sit and watch and I note the manner in which the downtown behaves. It works in any city — choose a spot on the main […]

Ice out Is it out now? How about now? Now? Yes, it’s that time of year, when we all prognosticate on when the ice will go out of Lake Auburn, occasionally getting into fistfights over it, only to completely forget about the whole thing by the time it actually happens. Ice out, schmice out, that’s […]

Easter eggs Since I can’t hide brightly colored eggs in the real world and challenge you to find them, I’m going to scatter a variety of made-up words throughout the remainder of this column and see who among you is sober enough to recognize them. It will be great fun and educational, too. Of course, […]

It’s just humiliating. I would prefer to keep this secret to myself for the remainder of my days, but no man can hide forever. The truth has a way of worming, bare and unadorned, into public view like a … well, like a worm, I guess. My shame is great. I can’t order ice cream […]

Total recall Kraft recalled umpteen million boxes of macaroni and cheese, apparently due to metal bits in the goods. I should have known something was up when every magnet in my house when whizzing across the kitchen to stick to the boxes. Can you imagine a world without macaroni and cheese? In the 1990s, this […]

Cawfee So at a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through in Lewiston Monday, the stranger in the car ahead of me paid for my coffee before driving away. Very nice. The dude was driving a white SUV with Florida plates, so now to pay it forward, I have to head to the Sunshine State. See you in late […]