There are many ways that we can view most situations in life, 360 degrees worth of ways, as you circle around a situation and see it from different perspectives. A scene can look very different if viewed from another side. I bring to mind a visual (dated and politically incorrect, but one we all know) of Indians circling a wagon train; I’m each of the Indians in turn, the situation is the wagon train. Each position in the circle yields a different view of the wagon train.

Two examples of really changing one’s perspective have special meaning for me.

My mother told me a great story from her youth, one that she vividly remembered some 30 years later. Right after the end of World War II my mother was in Brussels, Belgium, with her mother, my grandmother.

It was summer and they were lunching at an outdoor café. At another table sat a woman with quite a bit of makeup, hair color too loud, some not very trendy clothes. My mother, young, pretty and spirited, made some disparaging comment to my grandmother about the woman. My grandmother turned to my mother and quietly said, “You hush! For all we know that woman has lost everyone and everything in this war! This may be the first day in years she has put on makeup and fixed herself up and gone out into the world to try to feel good again.”

Mother said that conversation not only changed her perspective on that scene that day, but also her general tendency to judge people by their appearance. It must have, because I don’t remember her doing so in my lifetime.

Not so in the way, after all

Then, years ago, when I had just met my future husband, we tended to go places in my small Toyota because his car wasn’t as reliable. He sat in the passenger seat in regular guy fashion, with his legs flopped out. His left leg was always in the way of my gearshift, and when I needed to shift I would have to ask him to move it.

At first, I thought, “He knows every time I shift he needs to move his leg; why doesn’t he just do it without my having to ask?”

Then I had a small epiphany. I saw it from the other side. What if that leg weren’t there at all? What if the person attached to that leg weren’t in my life? I had become very fond of the man with that leg. After that I never minded asking him to please move his leg. In fact, I was glad to ask.

Lately, I have been struggling with impatience with people. I don’t like to be like that, and have found two ways to help myself at those times. The first one is a commitment to try to find God in everyone I come into contact with.

If I can just remember to move over to that perspective, I can usually see the person as doing the best he or she can under the circumstances, and I can become helpful rather than annoyed.

What can I learn here?

The other mental tool I’ve found that helps me is to ask myself, “What is my life trying to teach me with this situation?”

I can immediately switch into a Big Picture perspective and concentrate on what I can learn. All our motivational gurus have long told us that there are no problems, just opportunities. This has always been interesting to hear, but hard to really internalize until I found this question to ask myself. It’s as though this question helps me step up above myself and see personal growth opportunities instead of hassle.

Great minds have always written that everything starts with thoughts. What I feel emotionally, what my behaviors are, what I achieve, all start with thoughts. And if I can manage and work with my thoughts, through examining and perhaps changing my perspective, while still attending to my emotions and the messages they give, then I can make my life so much more pleasant and meaningful.

This sounds hard, but it isn’t. For me, it just takes remembering my visual and the power that I have.

Dianne Russell Kidder is a writer, consultant and social worker, who is based in Lisbon. She is a regular contributor to this column. She can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].