Let me share one of my favorite quotes about marriage:
“When you marry, you don’t marry one person, you marry three. The person you think they are, the person they really are, and the person they will become as a result of marrying you.”
One of the purposes of marriage is to help the other person grow into the best possible version of themselves.
Yet I believe we all too often do just the opposite.
Unhelpful partner
Major in criticism and complaint.
Make your partner believe that no matter what they do, it is not good enough.
Be threatened by anything your partner might be better at than you.
Commit to your way or no way.
Be a self-taught know-it-all about relationships, and be unwilling to learn anything.
Any time something goes wrong, bring up all the mistakes from the past, in detail.
Keep your partner down. Prevent them from using their gifts. Limit their potential.
Results:
This is a great way to create distance in a relationship. You will also prevent your relationship from reaching it’s full potential. If you have children, it’s a horrible model for how to treat someone you supposedly love and an equally horrible model for how to do relationships and marriage.
Helpful partner
Become a student of your partner. Make it your assignment to know this one person very well. Then use your database. Most couples don’t use what they know in a positive way.
Celebrate the gifts of your partner. Encourage them in their gifts. Support them in discovering and exploring their gifts and skills.
Take advantage of the information available today about how to do relationships.
Brag about your partner to others.
Tell your partner, often and in detail, what you admire in them.
Results:
A great place to come home to. A great model for your children, and to others, about how to do marriage and relationships. Richard Bach, in his book “The Bridge Across Forever” talks of a kind of relationship in which you are better off and stronger together than you would be alone. When you support and lift up your partner, you are creating a relationship where you are stronger together than either of you would be alone.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
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