By Bridgette Williams
DallasNews.com
WHAT MADE THE COVER:
-“Jen’s (Aniston) secret letter to Brad (Pitt) … Her shocking demand!” (Globe)
-“World exclusive: After tragedy of two miscarriages DEMI PREGNANT … Inside: Details of her fertility treatment at 43” (The National Enquirer )
-“INSIDE NOAH’S ARK! Original blueprints found … Shocking discovery” ( Weekly World News)
KEVIN FEDERLINE, MC HAMMER SCHOOL OF FINANCE GRADUATE:
“Britney spears Kevin’s spending … Pop princess puts hubby on tight budget as half her fortune disappears” (The National Enquirer )
HOLMES-CRUISE BABY WATCH, HOUR 353,478:
Globe says, “Doctors warn: Katie’s disease a threat to baby … The virus she’s carrying can be passed on during delivery,” while The National Enquirer reports, “Just weeks before her baby’s due date … drama at 40,000 ft … KATIE COLLAPSES … Tom fears baby is arriving…mid-air! Katie rushed to emergency room”
NICK LACHEY-KRISTIN2 WATCH:
“Another bombshell for Jessica! Nick juggles a couple of Kristins!” (The National Enquirer)
I HEAR NAMBLA’S IN THE MARKET FOR NEW HEADQUARTERS:
“Bye-bye Neverland … Cash-strapped Jacko’s fairy-tale ranch is finally SHUT DOWN” (Globe)
THE LEAST SHOCKING PART OF THIS RELATIONSHIP:
“Mary Kay Letourneau shocker! Marriage on the rocks! Nearly a year after they wed, shamed teacher’s had enough of her ex-schoolboy lover’s partying” ( The National Enquirer)
WHEN FOX PROGRAMMERS SCHEDULE STYLE NETWORK:
“Grease monkeys … Scientist studies strange primate grooming habits … ‘They all have pompadours, like Elvis!”‘ (Weekly World News)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “AIRBRUSHED?”
“Oprah beefs up …again! Talk queen gains 41 lbs. – so why does she look cover girl thin on her magazine cover?” (Globe)
ATTENTION SURVIVOR LOCATION SCOUTS:
“Root of all evil discovered – deep in Amazon jungle! ‘I could feel it coming to life, feeding off my soul like a floral vampire!”‘ ( Weekly World News )
BEST HEADLINE EVER:
“Good old boy translates Bible into redneck – so us’n can understan’ what the Good Lord wanted us to lern! … “Holye Bible … In the beginning God created Adam and Eve and they were like sister and brother so what’s the big deal? The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for six-packs!” (Weekly World News)
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