1 p.m., Time Warner Channel 9

They still win. Hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.

Holy @#%*!

4 p.m., VS.

I, um, swear that’s the real name of the show. Scheduled: A surfer attacked by sharks; mid-air collisions; and a snowmobile jump gone wrong. Don’t pretend you’re not interested.

NHL: Stanley Cup Playoffs

7 p.m., VS.

To be continued for two months. I’m changing the channel after “Holy @#%*!”

MLB: Mariners at Red Sox

7 p.m., NESN

Dice-K vs. Ichiro. A nation calls in sick. Disaster forecast for the Nikkei Dow. Japanese HR types predict an $11 billion loss in productivity.

NBA: 76ers at Celtics

7:30 p.m., FSNE

Kyle Bleeping Korver scored 26 points the last time these two D-League franchises got together. Seriously, what level of self-loathing is required to watch this?

NBA: Magic at Pistons

8 p.m., ESPN

Wondering if the Celtics ever ate the side of beef they received in the Chauncey Billups trade.

Classic Boxing: Butterbean vs. Harry Funmaker (1998)

8 p.m., ESPN Classic

A 330-pound publicity stunt against a guy whose name sounds like a British porn star. By definition, does this make Tenacious D “classic” rock?