ONE NERVE LEFT, AND HE’S ON IT

Atlanta Falcons management has asked its fans to “be patient” with the Michael Vick investigation. Haven’t the faithful done precisely that while watching Vick impersonate an NFL quarterback for the last six years?

GIVING ‘BAD SLICE’ A WHOLE NEW MEANING

John Daly’s tale about his wife trying to stab him with a steak knife kind of reminds me of the old Irving Fryar story. Only don’t expect Daly to realize his potential as a player and become an ordained minister anytime soon.

DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL

Olympic swimming gold medalist Amanda Beard posed nude for the July issue of Playboy. “I told my dad that I’d take like black tape and kind of mark out certain things, so he doesn’t feel awkward looking at it,” Beard said. Great. He’ll only have a mild heart attack, then.

BOOBIE BABBLE

All this talk about Daniel “Boobie” Gibson of the Cavaliers sent me on a five-minute quest to determine if Gibson is the most significant Boobie in sports history (no Busty Heart jokes, please). In the process, I discovered that Bengals RB Charles “Boobie” Clark has been dead for 19 years. Damn. May the greatest afro to ever grace a football card rest in peace.

DO THE CRIME, DO THE TIME

The public address announcer for the Single-A Reno (Nev.) Silver Sox was ejected for playing a movie sound bite that criticized the umpires. One night later, he was forced to ump third base for an inning. Honestly, if the big league stopped taking itself so seriously and pulled a stunt that cool, I might be compelled to watch a game not involving the Red Sox for 10 whole seconds.

OLYMPICS ROCK, DUDE

Skateboarding may make its Olympic debut in 2012. I’d say something sarcastic and curmudgeonly here, but really, what am I afraid of it replacing? Rhythmic gymnastics? Fencing?