Tick-tock-surprise!
My wise friend Charles Berry has alerted me that in less than a month, we will witness a rare time anomaly. The insomniacs among us will, anyway. At five minutes and six seconds after 4 a.m. on the 8th of July, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09. This will never happen again, not in our world, anyway. When it occurs, the fabric between the known and the unknown may rip apart and a thousand untold secrets of the universe will be revealed. I mean to be there when it happens. Of course, given my recent habits, I will have forgotten my notebook and No. 2 pencil and will have to try to remember everything so I can relate it to you sleeping slobs later.

No knotted nighties
In my attempts to prove a theory that people have become more spleeny over recent years, I’ll make a bid in this column space to not offend, outrage or horrify a single person over the next two weeks. This will not be easy. It is my suspicion that most people these days wake up and rise from their beds with the express ambition of seeking out something to get mad about. Rage is the new orange juice.

Take that society!
A metal traffic sign on Strawberry Avenue was bent and written on in permanent magic marker. Note to culprit: A sign that says “Slow” is a simple instruction, not an organized conspiracy by the highway department to call you a name. Take it easy, fella. 

Topless coffee shop reopens after fire
Like most businesses, they’ll probably hold some sort of fire sale to entice customers back. It’s hard to imagine what that will involve. They offer two of everything as it is.

Shake it like a polaroid
In Lewiston, there’s a bonafide dancing man whose been hanging out near the corner of Sabattus Street and Campus Avenue just about every day. A skinny lad, he stands there bopping and thrashing all over the place to music only he apparently can hear. Sometimes he goes shirtless. Sometimes he wears a cool hat. Check it out for mindless entertainment. The dude performs mainly in front of LD Richard Pizza on Sabattus.
That’s Old Orchard Pizza. It looks like LD Richard to me because the O in the first two words is represented by a life preserver. Good fries, though. Anyway… Have fun out there! 

Censored
A hilarious paragraph meant for this space has been omitted because it might have upset people who enjoy saltine crackers, who walk their cats on leashes or who are fans of the ’80s band The Human League.


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