Tiger Woods
You know you’re big when simply slamming into a tree in front of your house will cause news crews around the world to launch new satellites into space so they can dedicate more time and manpower to covering the potentially life-changing incident. But frankly, I’m not completely sold on these charges of infidelity. No man could sink a 30-foot putt if, in the back of his mind, he’s wondering if his wife might find out about his mistress and come after him with a golf club and then, more painfully, a lawyer.

Tale of the tape
And how about Tiger’s message to the other woman, which appears to be a frantic attempt to hide the affair from his wife (Yes, OK. I’m starting to believe it.) It’s a stroke of innovation so brilliant, there ought to be a tournament just for this kind of thing. It went a little something like this: “Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voice mail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.”
Really, Tiger? Take your name off the phone? You realize, do you not, that on the ladder of potential dodges, this one is many rungs below the more standard: “Use a funny voice and claim you don’t speak any English. OK? Maybe like a Donald Duck voice? Only in another language because you don’t speak English. OK?”

Unwrapped for Christmas
It was a heartwarming sight on Lisbon Street as the holiday parade made its way through the downtown. Wide-eyed children bright with hope waved enthusiastically, dreaming of Christmas morning so near yet so far away. The voices of carolers filled the night as they sang of sleigh bells and chestnuts roasting on fires. And there, in a window near the end of the street, a row of curvaceous mannequins in red lingerie stared out from the After Hours Boutique. For a moment, it was like walking into a theater expecting to find “Winnie the Pooh & Christmas, Too” but discovering something with Megan Fox instead.

High gravity beers
Increasingly popular right now is this new stuff with 8.1 percent alcohol, more than double the amount in normal beer. But the beer-loving folks at Sam Adams scoff at that as they introduce a version of their own containing 27 percent alcohol by volume. You know what beer with higher alcohol content means. Naked people who crash their cars into laundromats at 3 in the morning may be telling the truth when they insist they “only had a couple beers.” You will only need two or three brews to drink yourself or someone else pretty, instead of nine or 10. And you will start to weep over country music songs much, much faster than you used to.

New city administrator
I’d like to personally offer Ed Barrett my sincere welcome aboard and best wishes for a long and fruitful career in this, our fair city of Lewiston. I have no doubt that the right man was selected for this difficult but rewarding position. (Well, excuse me for trying to get off on the right foot with this one.)