There goes the neighborhood

After 17 years in the area, I got my first tour Wednesday of Barker Mill Arms. It’s beautiful out there, with spacious back lawns and an unsullied view of the Little Androscoggin River. I’m totally moving in. Who wants to help me with this piano?

Lewiston police beards

The cops are growing beards in protest and they’re so mad, even the lady cops are doing it.

There. That ought to get me at least a frisking.

Earthquake

I never felt a thing. You people are drunk.

Hurricane

Further down the East Coast, you duck and run, dodging flying car parts, street signs and small dogs. Up here, if you’re a reporter, you duck and run, dodging editors who want to make you write weather stories. I’ve been hiding in my basement now for a week. Please send toilet paper.

Tiimbeeerr!

Somewhere in the Twin Cities, a woman called for help after falling from a standing position. That’s usually not the kind of fall that will hurt you, but this woman happened to be 20 feet tall.

Did You Know?®

For this week’s installment: Did You Know® there are people who call for an ambulance just so they can get a ride into Lewiston? Utterly true. He or she will contact 911 with a feigned injury, take the lift to a Lewiston hospital, and then disappear into the city when nobody is looking. Happens quite a lot, I’m told. Think about that the next time you have a busted spine or a gashed carotid and you have to wait an extra minute for an available ambulance.

Wild, wildlife

Richard Burton is back in business. The beleaguered animal control management officer agent inspector was given his license back after the Warden Service admitted they erred when they yanked it a month ago. This is awesome news for anyone who has been harassed, molested or otherwise frightened by a skunk, squirrel, cat, mongrel, raccoon, bat, hermit crab, wombat, scrod, naked mole rat, Maine grunting chickadee, saber-tooth rabbit, hook-snouted oinker or titmouse. Welcome back, Beast Master. Now get to work.

Dripping with evil

A very excited Auburn woman wrote me on Wednesday to report spotting Stephen King at the Dairy Joy in Auburn. I totally believe it. Stay tuned for King’s newest novel, the terrifying tale of a demon-possessed peanut parfait. Horror that will go right to your hips!

Porcupine attack in Lewiston!

I dated a porcupine once. It didn’t work out. She was stuck-up.

I apologize. I needed to coax another inch out of this column. Thank you for your patience.