Lost and Found

In Lewiston, somebody reported losing dentures near the grocery store. Well, that bites.

Did you know?

That at District Court in Lewiston, a visitor to the criminal window is allowed two inquiries for free but will be charged $15 for anything beyond that? No, really. Cross my heart. It’s like the clerks are trolls guarding a magic bridge and you only get two chances to solve their riddle. Fail to solve it in two tries and a trap door opens, dropping you into the canal where you are eaten by crabs. Well, that or you can shell out 15 clams to ask your third question. But that would be just absurd.

Snowbound

This is a real letter from a real student that really landed in my email box: “Today I arrived at my school even though it was a snow day. I waited outside for an hour before the principal knocked on the window in the main office. He opened the window and asked me what I was doing there. I told him that I was waiting to be educated but he told me I would have to go home. ‘So you’re not going to educate me today?’ I asked. ‘No,’ he said, and I walked back home.”

I was moved by this letter. Clearly, this is a boy who doesn’t have enough to do. If anyone would like to donate a video console, internet or girlfriend to this lad, please contact me.

Friday the 13th

I’ve been leery of the dreaded date since childhood when my pet chameleon Camo died of a suspicious cause. And by “suspicious cause” I mean “big rock.” The investigation remains open.

You don’t know what you’ve got

Until it’s gone. I’m talking about all those photos of snowbanks you people used to send me after every storm. For the past two years, I’ve been complaining about them constantly. Now, nobody sends me snowbank photos and I find . . . well, I find that I want you back, baby. Won’t you give me another chance? I’ve changed!

Lewiston eyes artificial turf

Great. Now whenever we look over our football fields, we’ll have to wonder whether or not they’re real. Frankly, I get enough of that just going to the mall.

I know

What mall, right?

Androscoggin County Sheriff gets chief deputy

Congratulations, Detective Peters. I hope you enjoy your week in that position.

What I meant was . . .

That the sheriff has had a whale of a time keeping that position filled. I meant no offense. No reason to search my name in the database. Nothing to see here. Let’s just move on.