He looks OK to me, boss

Somewhere in the Twin Cites, a caller alerted police Tuesday that there was a non-suspicious possum in the area. Apparently, the possum wasn’t grinning or whistling or walking with its hands in its pockets. You know. Suspicious stuff. Police who got this call pretended to be asleep until the caller went away.

Say it like you mean it

So, wait. Gov. Paul LePage can’t really close down the schools in May like he threatened to do? That’s a relief. Does this also mean the governor can’t cancel St. Patrick’s Day, make Maine’s official bird the middle finger or shut off the sun?

Effa Bee Eye

A local reader got the following letter in her email box and forwarded it our way. Some of these emails are written with such authenticity, it’s near impossible to tell whether it’s real or spam. This one was sent from a person claiming to be from the FBI. You be the judge.

“ATTENTION DEAR. THIS IS THE FINAL WARNING YOU ARE GOING TO RECEIVE FROM ME DO YOU GET ME??? I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MANY TIMES THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT TO YOU?. WE HAVE WARNED YOU SO MANY TIME AND YOU HAVE DECIDED TO IGNORE OUR E-MAILS OR BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE WE HAVE NOT BEEN INSTRUCTED TO GET YOU ARRESTED, AND TODAY IF YOU FAIL TO RESPOND BACK TO US WITH THE PAYMENT THEN, WE WOULD FIRST SEND A LETTER TO THE MAYOR OF THE CITY WHERE YOU RESIDE AND DIRECT THEM TO CLOSE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN JAILED AND ALL YOUR PROPERTIES WILL BE CONFISCATED BY THE FBI.”

Could be the FBI or it could be a teenage girl texting from algebra class. Too close to call really. If I were you, I’d just go ahead and send that usd 10,500,000.00 to Paul Uba of Lagos, Nigeria at once.

Heavenly view

So on Tuesday night, I went outside to behold the celestial beauty that is the northern lights. According to the meteorological rules of Maine, because there was cosmic phenomenon under way, the skies were completely overcast. The only lights I beheld were those coming from the Walmart distribution center, which – I mean let’s be honest here – looks a lot like those aerial shots of Area 51.

I also beheld a nice view of your living room. Love what you’ve done with the place. You know what would look even better? Pull your blinds open just a liiiiitle bit more and turn on the SciFi Channel. Beautiful. Now make me a sandwich.

A night with Ron Paul

This assignment was a complete disappointment for me. I thought they were sending me out to meet RuPaul.