May the odds be ever in your favor

On Thursday, police were out looking for a kid who was last seen at a local theater watching “The Hunger Games.” But all we heard over the scanner were snippets. “. . . child . . . missing . . . Hunger Games . . .” For a while there, it looked like the lad might have been snatched by a gross, bearded Donald Sutherland. The horror.

I volunteer as tribute!

If you don’t know what any of this means, you should probably get to the theater or bookstore at once. Otherwise, it sounds like I slandered Mr. Sutherland. Which I kind of did.

BTW

I will henceforth be answering all calls to the newsroom with “I volunteer as tribute!” I won’t lie to you. I’m looking for a Section 8.

You kiss your grandkids with that mouth?

You know the news is grim when a pair of women in their 70s swear like sailors when they call to talk about it. In this case, it was the robbing of a blind man in a wheelchair in Lewiston. One older lady called to suggest the suspects might be composed of excrement. The other stated that crimes like this one “really piss me off.” Harsh talk. My kind of ladies.

Helpful reminder

School starts next week. Please drive with care and be mindful of the crosswalks. Also, allow an extra hour of travel time, even if you work three blocks from home, because you’re bound to get stuck behind a bus that stops every six feet over the course of two miles to drop off the little ones. Bless their little hearts.

Fun with physics

If you get stuck behind a bus at that dreadful traffic light at Russell Street and East Avenue in Lewiston, the wait is so long, the fabric of time-space can actually rip and you might be held liable for the damage. Please be mindful of time-space when making your morning commute.

Whatever blows wind up your skirt

So, I spent part of last weekend in a kilt. Very liberating. If you’d like a signed, life-size poster of me in the tartan (and who wouldn’t?) see my press agent: the gross, bearded Donald Sutherland.

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