High on life and hating it

In Lewiston, a woman called police to report she had taken Ecstasy and now she was feeling weird. You know. Weird feelings of euphoria and well being. A strange lack of inhibition coupled with heightened senses. It totally ruined the rave for her, I hear. She might have tried pot to calm her jangled nerves, but pot just made her calm and hungry and everything seemed funny. I would have recommended herbal tea, but she’d no doubt complain that the tea made her feel sleepy and content and caused a good night’s sleep.

Wrong inmate released

Did anyone else note that the inmate in question looks a lot like George Clooney? George Clooney after a seven-day bender, yes, but Clooney nonetheless. Check it out and get back to me.

Sit on it

Well, I watched both political conventions and studied the candidates very carefully. After a thorough analysis of each, I’ve got to say I like the looks of that chair quite a lot. A very solid platform, and if you were to couple it with a nice throw pillow or something, I feel the chair would be an option with which I could become quite comfortable.

As good as it gets

That’s about all you’re going to get from me for political commentary. In case you were wondering.

Caucus

Except for the 20 or 30 times I’ll mention this word, completely out of context, and then giggle madly for a half hour.

Caucus

Hee hee hee hee.

Apple triumphs over Samsung

Congratulations iPhone enthusiasts. I don’t want to unfairly classify anybody, but you’re all just horrible, horrible people.

Heard on the street

Two tough guys strutting up Park Street in Lewiston. The chains, the tats, the sideways hats. They looked like the kind of guys who brush their teeth with crack cocaine and break thumbs just to stay in shape. And one of them looked mad. Real mad. As I passed them on the sidewalk, I heard this: “I’m telling you, man. If Louis has eaten all the pudding again, I’m not going to be happy.”

Pudding! If that’s not slang for some kicking new drug, that’s funny stuff right there.

Edumacation

So, on Thursday, I was treated to a tour of Edward Little High School, my second school tour of the year. Funny how no matter how much time has passed, when someone opens the door to the principal’s office and invites me in, I’m clobbered by waves of shame and a scrambling sense of self-preservation. It wasn’t me, it was some other guy! My dog ate it! I have no idea who drilled that hole in the girl’s locker room wall!

Good times, high school. Funnest 5 1/2 years of my life.

Pobrecita, la gata no te gusta!

In Lewiston on Friday, a woman called police to report that another woman was yelling inappropriate things at her in Spanish. You know, the world was a more peaceful place before Google Translate came along.

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