The vulture position

A single buddy of mine pointed out a potential money-maker in Kennebunk. After a hundred or so men get outed in the Zumba Scandal of 2012, there are going to be a lot of angry, frustrated wives looking to file divorce papers and perhaps to seek a little revenge. You see the opportunity here? Some enterprising lad needs to get a bunch of T-shirts printed with the message “SINGLE AND NOT ON THE LIST!” and just wait for the avalanche of attention.

John Smith is a cad

Pretty slick of the court to order that names be released without ages, addresses or middle initials to further pinpoint the culprits in question. That way, there’s no way the media could responsibly publish the lists without causing embarrassment and shame to any number of innocent people. Brilliant! Only, the court underestimated the frantic, must-have-it-first attitude of the press. The list was released all over the place and you can only imagine the loud, awkward conversations at breakfast tables everywhere. You know how it goes when you try to convince your wife that you are not the scoundrel in question. The more earnest you are, the guiltier you sound. I’m betting a lot of blameless men took frying pans to the noggin before it was all worked out.

Quake

A sex scandal AND an earthquake? It’s starting to look a lot like California around here.

This joke brought to you by the lovely and talented Dan Cunliffe II of Republic Jewelry in Auburn. You’d think a guy who makes a living with collectibles would be a little more uneasy after a quake of that magnitude.

Quake II

And speaking of the big rumble, it marks the first time I got to be in on the joke. Typically, I’m the only guy in the state to feel nothing, hear nothing, while everybody else is running for the safety of Facebook. This time, I felt it roll through as I was sitting at my home computer and . . . oh, let’s say I was writing sonnets or something. The walls shook, windows trembled in their frames and like that, I was an earthquake virgin no more.

The wake of the quake

The best meme in the aftermath of the 2012 quake? The photo of the overturned lawn chair with the promise: “WE WILL REBUILD!” If you haven’t seen it, you’re probably one of the eight local people who isn’t on the Internet, and if that’s so, you’re probably not reading this, either.

Local girl does good

And if you don’t have access to the Internet, you can’t prowl the Web for the many, many, many photos and videos of Kennebunk dance star Alexis Wright, like the rest of us. Of course, I only do it as a matter of journalistic curiosity. The rest of you are just filthy.

Copy the Story Link