The right to arm bears

When I first read about the proposal to make guns mandatory in Sabattus – and now Byron – I thought the Sun Journal had turned into The Onion. And frankly, I welcomed it. Real-world headlines are such a bore. I’ve always said that newspapering would be much more fun if I could just make stuff up. But nope. The gun proposal was as real as the bullet holes in the “Welcome to Sabattus, a Friendly Little Town” sign out on Route Something Or Other. And that makes me titter even more because two-thirds of the people I know can’t set the clocks on their DVD players. They routinely injure themselves using forks to tease toast from the toaster, and now somebody wants to make them carry guns. Meanwhile, in Boston, residents are haunted by strange noises in the night as the nation’s founding fathers spin like ballerinas in their graves. So desperate are some people to hold on to their own rights, they want to snatch away the rights of others to make it so.

A new sheriff in town

So, we got a report that a 30-pound rodent was attacking a dog somewhere in Lewiston. I went over there to check it out, but this ugly cop with a long face, snaggle teeth and funny whiskers told me there was nothing to see, so I moved along.

Drive off

In Lewiston, or possibly Auburn, somebody drove off without paying for his gas, and in doing so, he left his friend behind at the pumps. It sounds like an utter betrayal, but that’s what friends do. That’s how I ended up in Lewiston in the first place and look how well that turned out. Although, I do weep every time I pump gas. Come back, Timmy! Get me out of here!

The right jack for 29

Well, well, well. So an Auburn man pulled off the coveted 29-hand in a game of cribbage. I’ve only known one person in my life to achieve the feat. He kept his killer hand in a frame and wouldn’t let me touch it. I saw a buddy turn a 28 once, but I’ve personally never had a hand higher than a 26. In my defense, all we ever played was drinking cribbage and, given that I was seeing double, that’s a 52 hand right there. I demand an “In Sight” feature by Amber Waterman.

Lewiston to bring back tar and feathering

See what I did there? More Onion-style fun! Clearly we’re not going to tar and feather anyone. We need our tar to fix the potholes.

‘No spinning aloud’

Kudos to alert reader Paul Something who spotted this embarrassing error in Wednesday’s Street Talk. It’s disheartening, really. Of the six people who read the column faithfully each week, only Paul Something caught the homophone. Although to be fair, the other five were probably asleep by the third paragraph.

Spring forward

You think I’m talking about the seasonal time change today, but I’m not.

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