What?

Got a message on my newsroom phone Tuesday that came out garbled. To me, it sounded like, “blah, blah, blah, shoehorn, yada, yada, those plastic things on the end of shoelaces, gurp, glomp, glum. Call me as soon as you venison patty.” I don’t like to miss calls because you never know what adventures they might lead to. If you’re the fellow who called, please try again. And spit the pennies out this time so I can hear you.

Ricky, don’t lose that number

Stupid title for this item. Doesn’t really apply. In a second message left on my phone, the woman who called left a nice, clear message until it was time to leave her number. At that point, she uttered her number so stunningly fast, to me, it sounded like “egg foo young six pantyhose two.” I tried calling that number and got . . . Well, just never you mind what I got.

Miracle ear

Say. You don’t suppose these back-to-back phone issues indicate that my hearing is going, do you? What?

Flying high again

During last weekend’s Balloon Festival, as hard as I tried not to, I saw dozens of the big hot-air beasts floating over Lewiston and the bucolic landscapes that surround it. At one point – get ready to laugh – I thought I saw a guy dangling from the bottom of the balloon with no basket in which to stand. From where I stood, it looked like just a pair of feet dangling way up high over the Androscoggin River. Ha ha ha! Clearly no one is crazy enough to do that. I must be having acid flashbacks.

Too scary

So we finally had a string of hot weather and yet – as an estimated 1 trillion people have pointed out to me – Halloween decorations are going up in some stores. This is the only time of year when plastic fangs, rubber rats, fake bloody knives, comically warted noses, realistic rubber dog poo, cardboard coffins, glow-in-the-dark skeletons, hilarious bloody fingers, shrieking skulls, day-glo worms, heads in jars, foam severed legs, that stomach creature from Alien, fuzzy spiders, plastic cockroaches, dangling witches, edible entrails and body parts packaged as deli meat aren’t cool.

I always wonder . . .

if you people notice how I sometimes compensate for a stunning lack of column material with really, really, really, really, really long lists and an overuse of adjectives such as “stunning,” “gut-churning,” “possibly infected” and “reeking.” 

By the way

That dog poo you just stepped in was not the hilarious rubber kind. You should probably get your reeking and possibly infected foot to the clinic at once.

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