Out-of-this-world savings

Someday, a curious extraterrestrial is going to visit us on Black Friday. He or she will observe the thrashing mobs of humanity standing in the bitter cold outside Walmart, sales fliers clutched in their pink hands. He or she will witness pushing, shoving, lying, cheating, scheming, sneaking and complaining, and promptly report back to the mothership that there is no intelligent life down here. Included in his or her report will be words like “avarice” and “gluttony,” with a few alien four-letter words in between. I’ll bet he or she flies off with one of those 50-inch Emerson TVs, though. I mean, did you see the price on that baby? It was like two hundred bucks!

Trashed

See the story about my skydiving (sort of) heroics on your left? Does it smell like egg salad to you? I accidentally tossed out the notebook containing all those keen observations and had to fetch it from the bottom of a disgusting trash bag using rubber gloves, salad tongs and Vaseline smeared under my nose. The one time I don’t properly recycle and I end up going all CSI on my kitchen floor. Important note: Next time you have dinner at my place, you might want to skip the salad.

Oh, my darlin’

A nice lady reported on Facebook that she had spotted me at the grocery store Tuesday night but didn’t dare make eye contact for fear that she would wind up in this column. Her name is Linda. She was wearing workout clothes after Bokwa class and she was buying clementines. Plus a whole bunch of embarrassing stuff I don’t even dare mention. Yeah. So take that.

I’m an idiot

In the time that it took to write this column, I thought of three things I badly need that could have been had for cheap had I gone to Walmart and stood in that stupid line. I’d like to retract all the mean things I said about you people in the item above.

Never mind

Turns out Walmart doesn’t sell those types of items. I’ll have to go to one of those parties.

Pud

I saw a license plate recently that featured this very excellent word. I would like to congratulate whomever owns that plate for helping to resurrect this under-appreciated term from the Land of Long Ago. The beauty of pud? Nobody knows exactly what it means or what it was once meant to imply. It’s just a fun word and I advise you to produce it at your next job interview or family gathering.

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