Elf on a Shelf

Remember how I used to complain, ninny-like, because so many people sent me photos of the snowbanks in their yards? I don’t get snowbank photos anymore. These days, I get photos of those damn Elves on Shelves in every imaginable pose. With their rosy-red cheeks and sly little smiles, these elfin freaks are the most horrifying things to come along since the giggling and insane Elmo. I think I just wet myself a little.

Clock tower

K-mart Jingle Balls

Much has been made about this risque commercial, which features a group of men dancing to Christmas music in a way that jingles just about everything. It makes the old women blush, to sort-of quote George Thorogood. It makes the young women squeal. Personally, it makes me want to go out and purchase an athletic supporter because just watching those guys shake and shimmy gives me aches.

Pawn Shop Christmas

Another Lewiston-based hip hop song is sweeping YouTube, this time focusing on the many joys of our estimated four thousand pawn shops. Check it out on YouTube here. Unless you don’t have the Internet in which case … I don’t know, go to your favorite local pawn shop and ask for one of those AOL sign-up discs or something.

Girl Scouts of Somewhere Else

A nice lady (I think) sent me the label from a box of Girl Scouts fruit slices with the following note. You know what she didn’t send? Any damn fruit slices, that’s what. However, she does make a salient point in the included note. Which, by the way, didn’t taste very good.

“Purchased these from Girls Scouts of ‘America’ to help their organization, yet they don’t help Americans – it’s made in Mexico. Seriously, they can’t find an American company??”

12/21/12

It’s almost a palindrome! More importantly, it was supposed to be the end of the world. Remember that? One year later and here I am, still making apologies for the horrible things I said and did in anticipation of the end. Stupid prophets and their stupid predictions…

Here’s looking at me

That monocle I spoke of last week? It has arrived. Stand by for Fantastic Tales of Ocular Adventure.

Breasts and thighs

On Thursday, a report came in that two people were fighting in the poultry department of some local market. I hope like hell that one of them was offering up the old “bawk! bawk!” kind of taunting while they squared off among the Cornish hens and Indian peafowl.

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